Inspiration

"Just Do It!"

I love this slogan! It pretty much says it all in three words. Lately I've found myself searching for inspiration, motivation and purpose. I am inspired by many things and in many different ways. Today I was blown away by a group of 8 & 9 year old boys running around a soccer field at 7:30 in the morning in 48 degree weather. When I arrived at half time, our team was down by 4. We were playing a good team with several star players. It was a bummer and my son Jess said to me (as he sat on my lap keeping me warm) "we lost but it's okay." I said the game isn't over yet. And it wasn't. The Sky Knights proceeded to score, goal after goal until they took the lead in the last quarter (or is it period in soccer?). As the minutes ticked away we anxiously awaited the ref's whistle indicating the end of the game and a tremendous victory for the boys. The feeling of exhilaration was pure and irreplaceable. The courage and tenacity those boys showed today was inspiring. Never give up no matter what the score or the circumstances. I wish I had that spirit alive in me today.

As I struggle to lose the 20 pounds I put back on after losing 22 over a year ago, I find I am missing the motivation I must need to "just do it." I did it once, why can't I do it again? I am exercising the same amount, if not more. So what's the problem? Why aren't the pounds flying off like they did the first time around? I know why, because I'm not sticking to the program. I am still eating whatever I want and losing any and all will power especially when I am feeling out of sorts which is quite often for me lately. I find I am an emotional wreak more often then not. When I'm sad, angry, tired, I tend to eat. If I am mad at my family, I think I am punishing them by not eating right. No, I just punishing myself. If my husband is not paying the attention to me I want or feel I deserve, I dive head first into self pity and eating rather than trying to work at making myself more attractive or healthy for both myself and him. My work out buddies try to motivate me by being there for me and providing the encouraging words I need to hear. But they can only take me so far on this journey. They can lead me to the top of the hill but I have to climb to the top on my own. I have to carry myself over that last obstacle in order to achieve my goal; all my goals not just with my weight loss.

How long have I wanted to be a writer now? Probably longer than I care to look back and remember. First it was writing fan fic for the General Hospital soap couple, Jason and Elizabeth. Then I wanted to write a romance novel. Oh no, I know, I can write greeting cards. Yeah I would be good at that. Now I want to write a book about my experience with my dad's illness and untimely death. All have lead to the same place - nowhere! I don't know what to write about. I don't know if I should write greeting cards for other companies or start my own business. Maybe no one will want to read what I have to write about. I'm no expert, how can I write a book about caring for a sick parent? These are the statements I have running around in my head, daily. I make a commitment to myself to start something, finally. Then I find myself making excuses or playing on Facebook instead of writing. Today my kids were outside playing most of the day. Kevin was at work, the dog was asleep at my feet. The perfect time to sit down and write something. My Facebook page sure looks good.

I need a swift kick in the ass is what I need. I need something stronger and more powerful than my mind to get my dreams in motion. I need my heart, my soul and my mind as one so I can "JUST DO IT!"

Feeling the affects

The death of a loved one certainly has various emotions, at least for me it has. I think up until my dad's service on August 23rd, I was just numb still and going through the motions of existing in my world again without my dad. It wasn't too hard to jump back into my daily routine of taking care of the kids, the house, etc. Before my dad got sick we didn't see each other often or even talk on the phone for that matter so it wasn't such a shock to my immediate daily life except I wasn't going to visit him anymore and I missed him. After the service, it was different. The morning of I found myself very emotional and able to cry easily. Before that I hadn't cried since the evening my dad passed away. The memorial was everything I could have wanted for my dad and more. It brought me great relief and closure, both of which I needed desperately. Seeing all those people there in one room to honor my dad and hear all the wonderful stories they shared, it really was an amazing experience that I will never forget.

In the days that followed (I almost wrote weeks because it has felt like weeks since the memorial) I found myself feeling many things. Sad, relieved, anxious, overwhelmed, lonely, disappointed, peaceful. At times these emotions would hit me within hours of each other. One minute I was feeling inspired and powerful. The next unmotivated and depressed. I felt like I was walking down a line but unable to walk straight, somewhere in between leaning too heavily to one side or the other.

I can now see how death can affect everyone in different ways. I can understand how a person can become depressed very easily. It is easy to get wrapped up in the emotions of losing someone you have loved your whole entire life. For thirty-eight years I have had love for my dad in my heart and although it is still there, it is a different kind of love now. A love of longing, wishing and thankfulness. I also found myself somewhat lost. For months I felt needed more than I ever have in my life. Yes, it was stressful and hard but it also gave me added purpose on a daily basis. Now that purpose is gone. I no longer am needed to go to doctors appointments or just come by to visit. To make sure the nurses are doing what they need to do so my dad is taken care of. I no longer need to be glued to the phone in case it rings with an emergency or just so my dad knew I was there if he needed me. This is also the selfish side of death. How my dad's death affects me directly not about how my dad lost his life too soon.

On the flip side and more positive, I can see and feel the benefits of taking a loved ones death and turning it into something positive. Using the experience to change the way you do things in life. Change your outlook and where you want to end up when it's your turn to move on. Before my dad's death I used to procrastinate horribly. When he got sick, I didn't have a choice. I had to call the doctors or nurses to get what my dad needed. I had to find out about additional health care options to help pay for my dad's health care. If I didn't do it, no one else would. I see this carrying over into my life today although it isn't always standing at the front of my mind. It sometimes gets lost in the back with the depression and lazy days. I want to continue this positive, life changing habit into my future. I don't want it to be something I got from my dad's death, I want it to be a part of me. I think on the days I can think ahead and focus on how good and blessed my life is, I obviously benefit much more. If I can get up in the morning and kiss my kids good morning without stressing about them getting to school on time, I am calmer and happier. If I can go out and exercise with my friends and benefit from their company, the feeling of my blood pumping through my body and being grateful to just be healthy and alive, that will show on my face. If I can utilize my time wisely instead of being scattered and unorganized, I can get more accomplished and feel proud of my accomplishments for the day. If I can come home and cook my family a good meal where we all benefit from it, that calms my mind and warms my heart that I took care of the ones I love with the best of my intentions.

It is going to take all the mental power I have to make the choice to live each day on the positive side. I know that sometimes I will cross the line and feel sad and helpless. I also know that is okay as long as it is sometimes and not all the time. I want to make the most out of life now and I am sad that it took my dad's death to make me realize this. But I can make a choice. I can control my life to the best of my ability and make it all I want it to be. If I can just hold my dad's love and the strength he showed during his battle close to my heart and turn that love into positive energy. I will get through, with time and effort. I choose to be strong today and every day after.

Be healthy and loved - -

Heaven Has A New Angel

Do you believe in angels?

I do and always have. I never thought twice that angels existed in Heaven. I couldn't imagine how God could handle everything He has to handle alone so I've always envisioned Him assigning angels to each and every one of us to help Him watch over us. I know I've always had angels watching over me. My first angel perhaps was my mom's mother Ruth whom I never met. She died before I was born. Or maybe my dad's father? Or maybe God assigns angels to us based on something else. No matter how we get our angels, my life has always felt blessed and that I've been watched over. I often pondered the saying "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle." I once told my cousin Karen that I must not be very strong because God hadn't given me anything hard to handle. My life has been good and fairly easy for me. Perhaps that is because I've had angels watching over me.

Now I know I have another angel up above that will watch over me more than any other. Although I feel my dad is still here with me, his love and spirit feels strong in my heart, I also know he is up there in Heaven looking out for me and my family. Sometimes it's the little things. One thing I have been feeling since my dad passed away is guilt when I am having a good time or having fun. I still feel like I shouldn't be enjoying myself and that I need to be visiting with him. Of course that isn't possible and I know that but I have to stop myself to remind myself of that. Just Friday we were going to Hurricane Harbor with my best friend Krysti and her kids. We had made the plans a while ago and were really looking forward to it. We bought our tickets online to eliminate standing in line and they were $5 cheaper too! Cool. We drove in one car to save on parking. Krysti drove down and got us in an aisle where most of the spots we already taken. We drove and we going to have to backtrack to the area that cars were coming into when we saw an open spot close to the aisle where we had to walk to the park entrance. My dad was looking out for us. My mom insists she has a parking angel. She probably does. Once we got to the park entrance there was a line to go through security. The line that was open was for no backpacks, purses, etc. which of course we had so we got into one of the other longer lines. The no bag line cleared out and the attendant motioned us forward even though we had bags. Daddy strikes again. Finally, and this one is big. We walked up to the turnstiles and I handed the attendant our tickets that we had printed at home. I said there was six of us and as she counted the papers, it became clear that we only had five tickets. She counted again and there were only five tickets. Krysti was distraught thinking she forgot to print or bring one of the tickets. But instead of the attendant sending us back to the ticket booth to buy another ticket, she let us in. She said it was okay and let us go anyway. That was both my dad looking out for us and that woman being an angel herself. I picture my dad whispering in her ear "it's okay, let them pass." I also know it was my dad telling me to have a good time. To enjoy my life with my kids and my wonderful friends. I hope he went on the rides with us too because we had so much fun!

I also know there are angels here on Earth. Angels among us because they surround me every day in the form of my friends. Maybe we are angels in training while we are here on Earth and earning our wings for when we reach Heaven. It doesn't really matter to me. I am just thankful for them all. All the ones sent to watch over me and my family and I hope I can be one to others on this Earth and in Heaven someday.

Be happy and loved.

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. That either speaks to how busy I have been or bottled up. Hard to tell which if not both at this point.

It's day three after my dad passed and I think I am starting to feel the effects. I haven't had a real good cry since it happened on Wednesday. The sobs came when he took his last breath. Then the constant stream of water that comes uncontrollably. But since then I felt a sense of calm and quiet sadness. The sadness was in there just not yet at the surface, close enough to the top to control my every emotion but today I fear it is bubbling to the top, ready to explode. Today I feel edgy and unsure. My confidence is low and I fear for what is to come. I know it is in there just waiting to be released. I have no delusions that this is the last of my emotions in regards to my dad's passing and possibly that is why I am more aware of the feelings and emotions I am having today.

Up until now I have tried not to berate myself or judge my feelings. Everyone handles grief in their own way and I am no different. Just because I am not sitting here at home on the couch crying my eyes out does not mean that I didn't love my dad. I know I am still in shock and I think in denial of some kind although I was there. I saw him take his last breaths with my own eyes and felt him leave his deteriorated body to be at peace and see the ones that have passed before him. I guess as many of my friends have told me who have lost a loved one, you just keep expecting them to call or walk through the door as if nothing has happened. I know he won't but I guess it doesn't stop me from wanting him to.

I am trying to stay busy with everyday things such as household chores, trying to have fun with the kids before they go back to school and reconnecting with my husband. I'm good at keeping busy with tasks that need to get done. I think that is what has got me through the last month or even five months while my dad was sick.

Writing these thoughts and feelings out helps. I feel it is a kind of release and a way of expressing myself so it doesn't stay all bottled up in here. Even if no one else reads this, I will have it to look back on and remember this time in my life. A hard time. A trying time. A sad time that I am going to survive and be stronger from. That I know deep down inside just as I know my dad is in a better place today looking down on me and my family in his cowboy hat & boots with his mother, father, and brothers by his side as our faithful dog Cheyenne lays at his feet while he sips on a cool ice tea. Love you daddy!

Land of the free - Memories

Happy 4th everyone! I spent the day with my family & running errands. Something so normal and something I miss in my life. I was so content to be at home, to run errands with no other agenda for the day except to get done what I had to get done. I did laundry, I watered my plants. I didn't fight the crowds to go see fireworks and I am perfectly okay with it. I have many memories to fill my head with happiness.

I was talking to my mom today on the phone after she visited my dad. She took today for me to give me a break despite the fact that we got a call at 6:45am that my dad had taken a fall out of bed last night. Thankfully he wasn't hurt very bad, no broken bones. We have put an alarm on his bed now in case he tries to get out again. Anyway, she was telling me how she was just talking to him, telling him it was the 4th of July and she was telling him the story of how our dog Cheyenne use to get so freaked out on the 4th due to the fireworks. Oh the poor baby, our sweet baby, a 65lb. German Shepard! Unfortunately, when he was a puppy the neighbors shot bottle rockets off at him and he was never the same. On the 4th or during a thunderstorm our strong, fierce German Shepard became a big baby. He'd try to crawl into cupboards to escape the noise. It was quite a site to see. This big dog trying to crawl into this little space. Of course it was so sad too. Usually on the 4th we would have to give him a tranquilizer to keep him calm.

One of my favorite stories about Woofie (as I called him) was one year my mom had gone out to get something at the store. While she was out, she saw a German Shepard roaming the neighborhood and wondered why and how Cheyenne had gotten out. After making our friend follow the dog in the car, she finally got out to catch up with him. Our friend wasn't so sure she should approach him as he might be freaked out from the tranquilizer and wasn't responding to his name but my mom insisted. She got out and told him to go home and get my dad to help her with Cheyenne. Our friend left only to return several minutes later with a look of panic on his face. He told my mom "Lynn get in the car." My mom was like "what are you crazy, where's Tom?" Our friend said it again "get in the car." My mom said "no I need help with Cheyenne" and our friend said through gritted teeth, "that's not Cheyenne." Cheyenne was back at home with my dad sound asleep at his feet. My mom realized she had her arms around this huge, strange dog! She was so lucky he didn't bite her! I love that story and my mom can probably tell it better but it brings a smile to my face every time I think of it or hear it.

I showed my kids Cheyenne's collar I found at my dad's apartment when I started cleaning it out the other day. They seemed as touched by it as I had been. Especially the fact that my dad had kept it all these years and now I will too. It brings tears to my eyes now as I think back on my childhood and how much we loved that dog. My dad really loved him and the feeling was mutual. I wrote in my e-mail update the other day how I had found the collar and it made me cry. My friend wrote back that she was fine until she got to that part and then she broke down crying. She said it was funny how a good dog story brings it all out and that is so true. It is weird to me how at times when other people are sad about my dad's health or his weakening condition, I can't cry. But then when I come across our family dog's collar, I break down and continue to tear up every time I think about him or my memories of him. Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me for not crying about my dad. Then I find myself tearing up at other times when I wouldn't expect it. Maybe when others are sad, I am being strong for them? I am sure when I see my dad move onto a more peaceful place I will find the tears will come easily and probably from a variety of emotions; sorrow, relief, anger, regret, and pure weakness of heart.

Is it okay to be happy?

So today I spent a lazy Sunday at home with the kids until later in the day when we went to see Indiana Jones together. Jess had already seen it with Papa and Kevin had no desire to see it so I thought we'd get out of the house and get out of the heat. As I sat there, I was so happy to be spending time with the kids that I thanked them both for coming with me. I was thrilled to be there with them and found myself enjoying the movie. I loved just being entertained for a couple of hours (which I was, not a great movie but good enough!).

But then I started to think. . . is it right to be happy and enjoying myself when my dad is dying? Shouldn't I be at home waiting for the call or by his bedside holding his hand? Part of me wishes I could be there with him 24/7 as I know my time with him here on this Earth is very limited but I have a life. I have a family that means the world to me and I don't want to lose my sight of what will still be here when my dad leaves. But still, it is right to be going out and having fun while he lies there dying? I guess I'll never know because what is done is done. The past is the past. I can't change what has already happened. I can just hope my dad knows I love him as much as I can love a person and want him to find peace. I know in my heart he'd want me to be happy and spend time with my family. His family too.

It amazes me how we can control life for so many things like our plants, our pets, but not our loved ones who are already dying. I wish I could heal my dad of his diseases so that he could stay here with us longer but it's not like watering my plants every night. Or feeding the dog and getting her meds for her at the vet so she can stay here with us longer. It's just not that easy is it.

I recently got a Blackberry so I could keep up with my e-mail while I was away from home with the kids, etc. I found myself obsessed with the game BrickBreaker. Every spare minute I play it to let my mind go. One capsules that falls is LIFE. If you catch it with the paddle you get another life to extend the game. If only it worked that way in real life.

Be happy, loved and well.

"All These Thoughts In My Head"

That's a quote from a song off Alanis Morrisette's new album "Flavors of Entanglement". I happen to be in love with the it and find myself listening to it over and over and over again in my car especially when I am alone or feeling heavy emotions about what is going on in my life with my dad.

The circle of life is an interesting thing. We come into this world and are cared for by our parents. We exit this world being cared for by our children. We start off wearing diapers and being fed, we end up in diapers and being fed. Sometimes babies are just plain cranking and don't know why or what they really want. Not hungry, not tired, just fussy (as Teri once descrbied her mood to me). My dad was just fussy for several days dealing with his pain and feeling helpless. Now he is not so fussy but helpless lying in his bed not able to communicate or move about freely. This is the price for not being in pain or so we believe. It was heartbreaking to see him lying in his bed today, his eyes glazed over but still holding the familiar blue tint and kindness I have know all my life. He is still very much "in there" and still fighting the fight. How difficult it must be to have to lie there and wait for a chance to communicate with your loved ones or those taking care of you. I have no doubt he'd rather be up in his wheelchair visiting with us and his friends smoking a cigarette but the pain is strong and the need to find relief stronger.

I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew who this lesson in life was for, myself or my dad? Perhaps both of us. I know I am trying to learn from every second of it but how long will this course take to complete? My whole life I assume but I am ready for this chapter to be over. They say God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I never thought I was very strong because all my life I have had a fairly easy time of things. I hope this is my test and I hope I can pass it. My friend Minda sent me an e-mail the other day with this story. I want to share it with you.

You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than their house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely. As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up? Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this? 'Look at it.' He said. 'Read what it says.' She read the words ' United States of America ' 'No, not that; read further.' 'One cent?' 'No, keep reading.' 'In God we Trust?' 'Yes!' 'And?' 'And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin.
Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by?
When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful! When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, 'In God We Trust,' and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..


Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
Send this to every 'beautiful person' you wish to bless.
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

I really liked that last line. I have never been an overly religous person as most of you know but I have always believed in God as a higher source and now I am looking to that source to help me find the answers I am seeking and to lead my dad to a peaceful place with his family that has already passed on.

I need to pray tonight to get back in touch with God. I was praying a lot when all of this first started happening. I seemed to find strength and solace when I did. For some reason lately I haven't been. I seem to find a reason not to. I am too tired. I am too angry. God already knows what I am thinking but what if he doesn't? What if I need to voice my thoughts as part of my lesson of life I am learning? I will try tonight and every night after. Maybe that will help guide me in the right direction with my dad's illness. I hate questioning every decision, every thought I have. I feel guilty when I don't go see him every day. I feel rushed and anxious when I have to arrange for someone to watch my kids when I go visit him. Do I want to visit or have to visit? I want to visit as this is precious time I have with my dad before he leaves this earth forever. I should be thankful for every smile, breath and word we share until it is no longer possible to be together in this life. I am tired now and need sleep and with it some peace of mind and soul.

Be happy and loved and feel freely with your heart and thoughts.