Sometimes I truly wonder how old I am, or how old I am in my mind. The reality of being an adult is ever present, especially being a mother but there are times, and it seems recently a lot of the time, that I don't act my age. My feelings are those of a child, a very young child. I am often jealous and bitter. Inside my head I hear the voice of my inner child whining "Why me?". The adult that faces the real world daily wants to slap her and tell her to get over it but the feelings continue to make their way into my consciousness.
I can't help but feel petty and immature based on these feelings of jealousy, rejection, self-pity, anger, weakness, low self-esteem but then I think "how can I not feel these things with everything I am going through." I know it is probably okay to feel these things but the key is to not let them affect me or my attitude and I think that is what really bothers me. I seem to step outside myself and watch as I react to these feelings and honestly, I'm appalled. When I see myself acting worse than my 8-year old son, how can I not be? I'm the adult in this family; the only one in this house and I need to act that way. What kind of example am I setting for my children by acting this way? An immature, spoiled child who doesn't get their way.
I want to be strong. I want to be able to have the feelings and dismiss them as easily as I let them creep into my mind. I don't want to be run by these damaging, weak thoughts and feelings. Can't I just let it roll off my back like other people seem to be able to? Yes, life isn't fair, get over it already! Things don't always go your way and that is a lesson I learned long ago but I think it's been over the last 18 months that I've truly felt the sting of that saying.
I have to focus on what makes me happy and secure in who I am. I am not perfect by ANY means but I think I live my life with the best of intentions. I don't deliberately try to hurt people, especially the ones I love but I know that sometimes this is unavoidable especially when I am wrapped up in my own emotions. I want to be a grown up to be able to control the weak feelings and save the childish times for having fun and living life to the fullest!