Saturday, November 29, 2008

Missing what is gone

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday. A milestone for many but my dad wasn't lucky enough to see it, neither was I. When you think of your future, you usually imagine being with your parents as long as possible. Back when I was a kid, 70 was considered "old". But in today's world, a world of healthier living, staying fit, being active; we see our parents living well into their 80s and 90s. Unfortunately my dad didn't fit into those categories.

I miss him especially today when I would have celebrated his life with him and told him how much I loved him. How I thought he was the greatest daddy in the world. I still think those things but can't tell him now that he's gone. I am sad that I don't have him here to confide in. I have lost the best male relationship I've had in my life and probably will ever have. It just doesn't seem fair to have lost him.

People say you will think of him at the weirdest times. Today was one of those times when my neighbors were putting up their Christmas lights. I flashed back to my childhood when I'd watch my dad put up the Christmas lights with fascination. He'd line them up on the yard before he put them up on the house. At night I could see the colored lights outside my window twinkle and I remember feeling safe and warm. I felt that way because my dad put those lights up for our family, for me.

I hope my dad knows that I love him as much today as I did when he was alive. I hope he knows I am sorry for not making more of an effort to be in his life as I got older. I hope he knows that I am sorry he had to spend his last days in that rehab center instead of his home, in his own bed. I hope he knows I miss him every day and still need him as much as ever. I hope he's sitting in heaven petting Jackie and Cheyenne with a smile on his face.

Happy birthday Daddy! I love you forever and ever until I see you in Heaven.