Change

It's amazing how quickly a change can come on and how that change can totally effect you. Maybe it's the changing of the weather. From uncomfortably hot to cool and crisp. A feeling comes upon you that brings an inner peace and warmth. Snuggling on the couch with a warm blanket and a loved one by your side (a puppy in my case). It can all happen with a shift in the wind.

One day you may be feeling high and empowered and then something or someone brings that feeling down. It's a shame that this happens but I know I am still not strong enough to fight it off. Most time it takes over before you even know the change is happening. I hope for more change in the future where other people's actions won't influence my mood so much. I long for a time when things will roll off my back and not effect me so much especially when it's not about me directly (when dealing with children though, I don't know if I'll ever be able to let it go as much as I should).

Sometimes when you see an opportunity for a postitive change and it isn't taken, it can be heartbreaking. The effects of that missed chance can effect many people but once the chance for that change has passed, there isn't much you can do about it, especially when it's not in your control. In times as these, we can only hope and pray for another chance for a positive change to come along and it not be missed again.

Overwhelmed is a good thing sometimes . . .

I'm dead tired. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. My TV is broken and I don't know how it's gonna get fixed or replaced on my minuscule budget but I am thankful for these feelings because it means I am alive and living my life each and every day to the best of my ability!

I went to bed late last night because I was working on a writing job that was due yesterday. I thank God for that opportunity to work. I just hope it's good enough to get another one! Having the confidence to succeed at what I am doing is my number one hurdle. I have to remind myself each and every day that I am strong enough to do anything I set my mind to. I may not be able to please everyone all the time but there are people out there that will benefit from what I have to offer. Whether that be professional or personal. I can make this business work and I will. I really don't have any choice.

So many times we wish for things and then when they happen, we don't know what to do with them or how to handle the changes. I really want this new Virtual Assistant/Freelance Writer business to work and be successful. Now I find myself struggling to make the balance of work and home life, well work! I have deadlines to meet and new business to generate yet my house is a mess and I want to spend time with my kids. I am so lucky to have my kids this week. I treasure very moment with them and get frustrated when I don't have 100% of my attention on them. Then I remind myself how blessed I am to be working from home, even if it's one or two jobs here and there. I could be away from home,unable to have my kids with me and still working to earn that oh so valuable dollar. I wouldn't be able to still drive Samantha to dance or go watch Jess' basketball game like I did tonight. The pure joy it gives me to see my son playing his heart out on that court and really enjoying himself. He lights up and pumps his fists when he scores a basket or someone else scores off his pass. No better feeling in the world to me. Or when I see Samantha dancing her very best in class. She puts her heart and soul into her dancing and I admire her passion for it. I want to have a passion like that and I will again someday. And my kids will be proud of me like I am of them.

If the TV can't be fixed, I'll get another one. Maybe it won't be as big or technical but I will provide one for my family. It is nice not having it work. Maybe we will be reminded of what it means to spend time together as a family again. Just talking about our day, playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe or the kids will just go out and play with their friends and be happier than they would be in front of the TV anyway.

Independence Day!!

The 4th of July, what an important day in the history of America. The day the Declaration of Independence was signed. I'm not much of a history buff so I'll spare the history recap for another post.

On this Independence day, I am declaring it my Independence day!! This is my time to truly find myself and be the person, the woman I've always wanted to be. As I step further and further away from a marriage that wasn't what I thought it was, I see that I am actually capable of becoming whomever I want to be, on my own. I don't need a man, as a husband or a boyfriend to complete me and make me feel whole. I know I want someone in my life again that will help me live through this life as a companion but I don't have to have one to survive.

As I am forced to deal with situations I wouldn't want to see myself in; like not being with my kids on our first 4th of July since the split, I also find that I can deal with it. I was sad to not have my kids by my side today as we swam and enjoyed good company and food at my best friend Krysti's house. I was sad that I couldn't experience the fireworks with them and see their faces light up with fascination. But there will be more fireworks and more years to enjoy them and I know I'll cherish those times together even more now that I know what it feels like to be without them.

Here's to freedom!!

Mother's Day Emotions

It seems I like to write about my feelings on Sundays. This is the day, evening I have to say goodbye to my kids until Wednesday afternoon when I see them again after school. I haven't quite been able to get past this hurdle yet and today wasn't any better. Today is Mother's Day.

As I went into today knowing it was my first Mother's Day without "a partner", I didn't have any expectations. My Mother's Days in the past weren't anything special. My soon to be ex-husband never found it necessary to teach the children what it means to treat someone you love special; if even for one day. I guess that's because I was never viewed as special to him. Regardless of this, I didn't want to get myself too worked up about today. I was treating it like any other Sunday.

My kids allowed me to sleep in which in itself is a gift! The puppy was all too happy to be still in bed past 9:30am as she had a play date the night before at my best friend house (not so much fun for my BF I might add). My daughter made my coffee and I got cereal with bananas - yum. My son wanted to go to the movies together, that was his gift to me and I received it with open arms. Time with my kids has come to mean more to me than ever before.

In the past, Mother's Day was more about getting a break from being Mom for one day. But this year, it was more about spending quality time with my kids and being so thankful for the time we have together. Now that they are gone half the time, I am learning to appreciate our togetherness and not want to just get away from them. I am sorry it took a divorce to make me realize this.

The kitchen is a mess. There are "things" spread all over the house but I didn't care. A day at the movies was all I could think about. Before, I wouldn't have gone knowing those things sat undone, waiting for me to make the house look perfect. Now, it can wait and no one will die because of it. Hannah Montana was on the schedule. I had been wanting to go see this movie with my kids and from my reaction to it, you'd swear it was an academy award winner! I was crying like a baby during several scenes. I really lost it when she was singing the song she wrote for her dad. Although I wasn't thinking of my daughter and her relationship with her father, I was instead listening to the words and connecting with them. Her words about tucking her in a night, driving everywhere and anywhere, making a living while making a home at the same time; they all hit me right in my heart. Although her dad does those things for her because her mother died, I felt that way too. I am a single parent now and I want to be the best mother I can be my kids. Her struggle with being who she really is and who she wants to be also got to me. She didn't want to continue to see her family and herself have to sacrifice things in life for her career. Her father didn't want to accept things in his life that may make him happy because of how it might affect his daughter's life as Hannah Montana. Although I don't have a pop star as a a daughter, I related to the role of the parent wanting to do anything for their child even sacrifice their own happiness. I know that is what I want for my kids.

As the movie came to an end and I knew my time with my kids would be ending soon as well, I tried to just treasure the moment. I was so happy to feel appreciative of our time together versus wanting a break. I also wanted to be stronger. I should have told their dad I was keeping them longer tonight because it is Mother's Day and I deserve to me with my kids. I should have said they should have time with their mom and not be taken somewhere they don't want to go and be with a woman that isn't their mother but I didn't. I was weak and gave into the tears before they even left the driveway.

This process is just that, a process and one that I am going through slowly. I have to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afraid of him. He can't hurt me anymore than he already has. I am strong and I can overcome the sorrows that come along with this new life. I want to make my kids and myself proud as I stand with my head high and show there is more to life than being someones second choice. I don't need anyone to take care of me but I'd like someone to. But for now, that someone is going to be me.

Thank you kids for making this one of the best Mother's Days I've ever had! I love you both very much!

Tonight, as the sadness is taking over my emotions I wanted to write down my feelings and when I came here to write them down, I realized I already had in my last post. I'm tired of feeling this way and I want to heal, get over it and move on. When I see my children being taken in a direction I don't like or want, I feel helpless and angry. But when I talk to them later and realize they are fine and not sad, hurt or upset why can't I be happy for them. I want my children to be happy; their happiness is my main concern. So what if I don't like who they are with when they are not with me. If they have a good time and aren't upset what should it truly matter what I think or want? In the grand scheme of things, in the long run these moments of worry, concern and anger will not matter as long as my kids are happy and healthy.

I want to be happy too so I can show them that life is hard but you can rise above loss, heartache, pain, betrayal and adversity to live your best and be joyous in the lives we create for ourselves. I know I will be some day but at times the bad feelings seem like they are the only ones surviving.

Now is one of those times.

How Old Am I?

Sometimes I truly wonder how old I am, or how old I am in my mind. The reality of being an adult is ever present, especially being a mother but there are times, and it seems recently a lot of the time, that I don't act my age. My feelings are those of a child, a very young child. I am often jealous and bitter. Inside my head I hear the voice of my inner child whining "Why me?". The adult that faces the real world daily wants to slap her and tell her to get over it but the feelings continue to make their way into my consciousness.

I can't help but feel petty and immature based on these feelings of jealousy, rejection, self-pity, anger, weakness, low self-esteem but then I think "how can I not feel these things with everything I am going through." I know it is probably okay to feel these things but the key is to not let them affect me or my attitude and I think that is what really bothers me. I seem to step outside myself and watch as I react to these feelings and honestly, I'm appalled. When I see myself acting worse than my 8-year old son, how can I not be? I'm the adult in this family; the only one in this house and I need to act that way. What kind of example am I setting for my children by acting this way? An immature, spoiled child who doesn't get their way.

I want to be strong. I want to be able to have the feelings and dismiss them as easily as I let them creep into my mind. I don't want to be run by these damaging, weak thoughts and feelings. Can't I just let it roll off my back like other people seem to be able to? Yes, life isn't fair, get over it already! Things don't always go your way and that is a lesson I learned long ago but I think it's been over the last 18 months that I've truly felt the sting of that saying.

I have to focus on what makes me happy and secure in who I am. I am not perfect by ANY means but I think I live my life with the best of intentions. I don't deliberately try to hurt people, especially the ones I love but I know that sometimes this is unavoidable especially when I am wrapped up in my own emotions. I want to be a grown up to be able to control the weak feelings and save the childish times for having fun and living life to the fullest!

Music & Life

Music has always been a big part of my life. For many of us its a part of our daily lives. Some are gifted enough to make music with their voices, words, instruments. Others of us just listen with our ears and absorb music for whatever purpose suits us at the time. Maybe for comfort, companionship, relief, relaxation. I bet if I asked 50 people what music means to them and what it does for them, I'd give 50 different answers.

I've always enjoyed good songwriting and been envious of those who have that gift of putting their thoughts down on paper and putting them together with music creating song. I'd love to write songs but don't have a musical bone in my body so I'll just keep enjoying what those with the talent can give to us.

Much like the path we take to find our true selves, I think we must truly experience life before we can appreciate what some messages mean in songs. I might have heard a song in the past and really liked it but not truly felt the words, experienced them in my life. I feel with my recent life lessons, I have learned to really appreciate some songs more than I ever did. I can relate so much more now to the songs that speak of heartache and pain. There seem to be a million more out there that I never realized before. Through my hardships, I have become even more appreciative and "in tune" with the meaning of the words to some of my favorite songs. What a wonderful world of music we have to get lost in.

I hope someday to reconnect with the songs I once loved and related to about love, trust, honesty, real attraction and contentment. I know that someday will come but for now I'll stick with my songs of pain and heartache to help me release what is inside my heart and soul to cleanse and refresh.

Thank you to all that create something beautiful in our world.

The tough gets tougher

Waves come in all sizes and speeds, that is how my emotions seem to be these past few days. If I thought the last couple of months were hard, I was wrong. The last couple of weeks have been even harder emotionally. Before, I found it easy to hide my anger, now I am finding it very hard to hide my other emotions that have come to the surface. I am sad, frustrated, scared, hurt, jealous, insecure, stressed and did I mention angry? It is so much harder to deal with this stage of the game.

I am disappointed in myself. I really want to be strong, especially for my kids and for myself. Up until now it's been easier to fuel my strength with my anger. Now I feel so much more vulnerable and unstable. I get frustrated so easy!!! I am sad and jealous when the kids want to spend time with their dad or call him (what seems like constantly) when he isn't with them. I feel like a five year old getting jealous or getting my feelings hurt cause they the kids are acting like they don't need me, which I know isn't true. I find myself getting upset and not being there to support my kids during this difficult time. They need me to be strong and be there for them as they go through these changes. How selfish of me to get so wrapped up in my emotions!

I know if I can get through this, I will be stronger but I need to find a new source of strength to power through to the finish line. I am definitely letting my kids down as well as myself. But how do I not let the reality of the situation get the best of me? I can't let it, there really isn't any other choice.

He was with me!

Today was one of the first times since my dad died in July that I have truly believed and felt that he was there with me. I've been longing to have that special feeling that people often talk about. Knowing a loved one is there with them, beside them when the need support. And today I finally had that feeling.

I went to Kaplan college to look into their Ultrasound program. In looking at my future, it has become apparent that I need to get a career that will allow me to support myself and my kids if need be and give me something to believe in. A few friends are in the field of Ultrasound (Technologist - a Technician is someone who works on the Ultrasound machines) and highly recommended it as a great career choice. At the recommendation of one of these friends (thank you Lisa!) I made an appointment to speak with a representative at the college.

Today I met with her and she had me take the entrance exam to get into the college itself. I needed to get a 15 out of 50 to get into the MA program. The MA program is Medical Assisting program that takes 9 months to complete and is a pre-rec for the UL program. To be accepted into the UL program you need to score a 21 out of 50. This is a timed test, 12 minutes to complete as many as you can. You can skip around and answer the ones you think you know. Well, I scored a 28 out of 50. Yay!

Before I took the entrance exam the admission rep was pushing me toward taking the MA program before the UL program which is a 2 year program plus 6 months to a year of clinical work in the field to receive your license. To be accepted into the UL program you had to take a test and get 70% or higher or have a couple other prerequisites which I didn't meet. After seeing my entrance exam score, the rep Micah (who was great) said "why don't you try taking the Anatomy & Physics test to see how you do. You can take it four times so you have nothing to lose." So I did. I needed to get 70% to pass. The test wasn't timed and there were 50 questions.

As I sat in the library alone taking the test, I felt a feeling of calm come over me. I immediately knew some of the answers to the questions. Some just from what I've learned or just knowing some things but I found myself being able to answer some of the questions I wouldn't have know if it hadn't been for my dad's illness. I just knew he was helping me and that maybe his illness and death weren't for nothing after all. He was there with me guiding me and patting me on the back when I finished.

I didn't pass this time but only missed getting 70% by 4 questions! Only 4 questions without even studying or being prepared. I'm going to pass next time after using Lisa's text book to study and I'm gonna do it for my dad. To make him proud and reinforce that our tragic loss wasn't for nothing!

I love you Daddy! Miss you too! I'll need you again and again and again!

I believe . . .

I just wanted to document all the things I've been thinking about lately, which is a lot. When your life is changing, you really start thinking about things. Like what you want in life, what you need and what you believe in. These are some of the things I believe in.

I believe I was complete as a woman when my children were born.
I believe the love of a child is irreplaceable.
I believe in true love despite my current situation.
I believe all things happen for a reason.
I believe that there is good in EVERYONE.
I believe angels do exist and watch over us.
I believe people do change over time and not always for the better.
I believe there is a God.
I believe you are never too old to make a change in your life.
I believe in karma and sometimes payback can be a bitch (really hoping this one is true!)
I believe all things are possible.
I believe we can all learn from one another if we just open our hearts & minds and listen.
I believe a child's innocence is a precious thing.
I believe we are all stronger than we think.
I believe we can get through anything with the love and support of family & friends.
I believe everyone wants to be loved.
I believe the love of an animal is enough to melt your heart.
I believe we can overcome our fears if our minds are strong enough.
I believe you can have a soul mate who isn't your spouse/lover but your friend.
I believe I will continue to meet special people who will touch my life until I die.
I believe in Santa Claus!

What do you believe in?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S!

When God created life, he blessed us all with very special people - FRIENDS!

I've always been a social person. I need people in my life. My family is a core that will never be shattered but I have a small family that has gotten even smaller over the last year with my dad passing on and my sweet baby girl (dog that is) Jackie. Family are the people you know will always be with you even if only in your heart. But friends, well friends are the topping on the cake. The protective layer around the core. All the sayings are true; Friends are our chosen family. Some people come into our lives for a reason. Some come and go but the true ones stick.

I have been truly blessed with a large network of friends. Each and everyone I call my friend has probably helped me or touched me in the last year in some way. Some of my friends I've had for a very long time, since elementary school. Some have come into my life later after my kids were born. Others have been there all along but maybe were just "on a break" but have come through big time in my times of need (which have been often lately!) :)

I am constantly reminded of what it means to be a friend by my friends. Maybe a phone call or an invitation to lunch. Accepting me into their home in a moments notice to share dinner, great coffee and some fun & games when it's needed the most. A hug, a text, a supportive e-mail even after a day of selfishness on my part. All of my friends have shown me how strong they are in their own way. Some may be single moms making it on their own. Some, dedicated wives/husbands and mothers/fathers with their priorities in place. Working people making their lives better for themselves and their families. Friends that have come through heartache and illness. Everyone is an inspiration if you look for it.

I have some people in my life right now that have disappointed me as well. People I thought were my friends but haven't shown me the kindness I'd expect of them. I thought I was that kind of friend to them but maybe their definition of friend is different from mine. I will always love these people but can't waste my time and heart on wishing they'd be something they are not. Maybe they are just "on a break" right now and might come back to be that person I choose to have in my life. I hope I'll be able to forgive and forget and accept what they are willing to offer.

I hope you all are reading this and knowing I am talking about YOU!! There are too many to list but your names are imprinted on my heart and keep it warm and protected during the cold and hard times life throws at us. I hope I am the kind of friend you need in your life and can continue to grow and learn to be the best I can be for you and for myself too.

I thank you all for everything you have given to me throughout my life and into the years to come!

Much love & gratitude -
Robyn :)