Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day Emotions

It seems I like to write about my feelings on Sundays. This is the day, evening I have to say goodbye to my kids until Wednesday afternoon when I see them again after school. I haven't quite been able to get past this hurdle yet and today wasn't any better. Today is Mother's Day.

As I went into today knowing it was my first Mother's Day without "a partner", I didn't have any expectations. My Mother's Days in the past weren't anything special. My soon to be ex-husband never found it necessary to teach the children what it means to treat someone you love special; if even for one day. I guess that's because I was never viewed as special to him. Regardless of this, I didn't want to get myself too worked up about today. I was treating it like any other Sunday.

My kids allowed me to sleep in which in itself is a gift! The puppy was all too happy to be still in bed past 9:30am as she had a play date the night before at my best friend house (not so much fun for my BF I might add). My daughter made my coffee and I got cereal with bananas - yum. My son wanted to go to the movies together, that was his gift to me and I received it with open arms. Time with my kids has come to mean more to me than ever before.

In the past, Mother's Day was more about getting a break from being Mom for one day. But this year, it was more about spending quality time with my kids and being so thankful for the time we have together. Now that they are gone half the time, I am learning to appreciate our togetherness and not want to just get away from them. I am sorry it took a divorce to make me realize this.

The kitchen is a mess. There are "things" spread all over the house but I didn't care. A day at the movies was all I could think about. Before, I wouldn't have gone knowing those things sat undone, waiting for me to make the house look perfect. Now, it can wait and no one will die because of it. Hannah Montana was on the schedule. I had been wanting to go see this movie with my kids and from my reaction to it, you'd swear it was an academy award winner! I was crying like a baby during several scenes. I really lost it when she was singing the song she wrote for her dad. Although I wasn't thinking of my daughter and her relationship with her father, I was instead listening to the words and connecting with them. Her words about tucking her in a night, driving everywhere and anywhere, making a living while making a home at the same time; they all hit me right in my heart. Although her dad does those things for her because her mother died, I felt that way too. I am a single parent now and I want to be the best mother I can be my kids. Her struggle with being who she really is and who she wants to be also got to me. She didn't want to continue to see her family and herself have to sacrifice things in life for her career. Her father didn't want to accept things in his life that may make him happy because of how it might affect his daughter's life as Hannah Montana. Although I don't have a pop star as a a daughter, I related to the role of the parent wanting to do anything for their child even sacrifice their own happiness. I know that is what I want for my kids.

As the movie came to an end and I knew my time with my kids would be ending soon as well, I tried to just treasure the moment. I was so happy to feel appreciative of our time together versus wanting a break. I also wanted to be stronger. I should have told their dad I was keeping them longer tonight because it is Mother's Day and I deserve to me with my kids. I should have said they should have time with their mom and not be taken somewhere they don't want to go and be with a woman that isn't their mother but I didn't. I was weak and gave into the tears before they even left the driveway.

This process is just that, a process and one that I am going through slowly. I have to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afraid of him. He can't hurt me anymore than he already has. I am strong and I can overcome the sorrows that come along with this new life. I want to make my kids and myself proud as I stand with my head high and show there is more to life than being someones second choice. I don't need anyone to take care of me but I'd like someone to. But for now, that someone is going to be me.

Thank you kids for making this one of the best Mother's Days I've ever had! I love you both very much!