Thursday, February 5, 2009

The tough gets tougher

Waves come in all sizes and speeds, that is how my emotions seem to be these past few days. If I thought the last couple of months were hard, I was wrong. The last couple of weeks have been even harder emotionally. Before, I found it easy to hide my anger, now I am finding it very hard to hide my other emotions that have come to the surface. I am sad, frustrated, scared, hurt, jealous, insecure, stressed and did I mention angry? It is so much harder to deal with this stage of the game.

I am disappointed in myself. I really want to be strong, especially for my kids and for myself. Up until now it's been easier to fuel my strength with my anger. Now I feel so much more vulnerable and unstable. I get frustrated so easy!!! I am sad and jealous when the kids want to spend time with their dad or call him (what seems like constantly) when he isn't with them. I feel like a five year old getting jealous or getting my feelings hurt cause they the kids are acting like they don't need me, which I know isn't true. I find myself getting upset and not being there to support my kids during this difficult time. They need me to be strong and be there for them as they go through these changes. How selfish of me to get so wrapped up in my emotions!

I know if I can get through this, I will be stronger but I need to find a new source of strength to power through to the finish line. I am definitely letting my kids down as well as myself. But how do I not let the reality of the situation get the best of me? I can't let it, there really isn't any other choice.

Monday, February 2, 2009

He was with me!

Today was one of the first times since my dad died in July that I have truly believed and felt that he was there with me. I've been longing to have that special feeling that people often talk about. Knowing a loved one is there with them, beside them when the need support. And today I finally had that feeling.

I went to Kaplan college to look into their Ultrasound program. In looking at my future, it has become apparent that I need to get a career that will allow me to support myself and my kids if need be and give me something to believe in. A few friends are in the field of Ultrasound (Technologist - a Technician is someone who works on the Ultrasound machines) and highly recommended it as a great career choice. At the recommendation of one of these friends (thank you Lisa!) I made an appointment to speak with a representative at the college.

Today I met with her and she had me take the entrance exam to get into the college itself. I needed to get a 15 out of 50 to get into the MA program. The MA program is Medical Assisting program that takes 9 months to complete and is a pre-rec for the UL program. To be accepted into the UL program you need to score a 21 out of 50. This is a timed test, 12 minutes to complete as many as you can. You can skip around and answer the ones you think you know. Well, I scored a 28 out of 50. Yay!

Before I took the entrance exam the admission rep was pushing me toward taking the MA program before the UL program which is a 2 year program plus 6 months to a year of clinical work in the field to receive your license. To be accepted into the UL program you had to take a test and get 70% or higher or have a couple other prerequisites which I didn't meet. After seeing my entrance exam score, the rep Micah (who was great) said "why don't you try taking the Anatomy & Physics test to see how you do. You can take it four times so you have nothing to lose." So I did. I needed to get 70% to pass. The test wasn't timed and there were 50 questions.

As I sat in the library alone taking the test, I felt a feeling of calm come over me. I immediately knew some of the answers to the questions. Some just from what I've learned or just knowing some things but I found myself being able to answer some of the questions I wouldn't have know if it hadn't been for my dad's illness. I just knew he was helping me and that maybe his illness and death weren't for nothing after all. He was there with me guiding me and patting me on the back when I finished.

I didn't pass this time but only missed getting 70% by 4 questions! Only 4 questions without even studying or being prepared. I'm going to pass next time after using Lisa's text book to study and I'm gonna do it for my dad. To make him proud and reinforce that our tragic loss wasn't for nothing!

I love you Daddy! Miss you too! I'll need you again and again and again!