Sunday, April 19, 2009

Tonight, as the sadness is taking over my emotions I wanted to write down my feelings and when I came here to write them down, I realized I already had in my last post. I'm tired of feeling this way and I want to heal, get over it and move on. When I see my children being taken in a direction I don't like or want, I feel helpless and angry. But when I talk to them later and realize they are fine and not sad, hurt or upset why can't I be happy for them. I want my children to be happy; their happiness is my main concern. So what if I don't like who they are with when they are not with me. If they have a good time and aren't upset what should it truly matter what I think or want? In the grand scheme of things, in the long run these moments of worry, concern and anger will not matter as long as my kids are happy and healthy.

I want to be happy too so I can show them that life is hard but you can rise above loss, heartache, pain, betrayal and adversity to live your best and be joyous in the lives we create for ourselves. I know I will be some day but at times the bad feelings seem like they are the only ones surviving.

Now is one of those times.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Robyn, I have been exactly where you are. I have four children and they were young when we went through the divorce. Children will never understand how we feel, and as harsh as it sounds, aren't too concerned. They want to feel safe, and they want to know that you are in control of the situation and yourself. I had to fake it lots of times and I'm sure I fell short many. The one bit of advice I can offer, is to take care of yourself, especially when they are not with you. They will grow up and figure things out on their own, believe me. It takes a long time to feel validated by the wrongs done to you. Even then, when they know what their dad did and what kind of person he is, bottom line is, he's still their dad. Your kids will love you, but you want them to want to be with you.Be strong, consistent, and patient. I hope this all makes sense to you and you understand what I'm trying to say. You WILL get through this, and you will love yourself even more for what you can accomplish.
Take care and have a good day.
Terrie

Muser said...

Robyn, my cousin (check her blog: blendingitalltogether.blogspot.com) is going through exactly the same thing. She and her son moved in with me just 3 weeks ago. Perhaps it will help you to read her blog and know that what you feel is shared and normal. Thinking of you!
Hugs, Helene

Love to you on my blog too :)
http://musings-out-loud.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

I have never been married or had kids, but I do know what depression feels like. It definitely sucks, and it is really getting in the way of my school work (to the point where I just want to quit completely), my relationship with my boyfriend, my family, and just overall my life. I try to ignore all the negative, unreasonable emotions, but it can be completely overwhelming.

I am sorry about your divorce, though. Just know that whatever happened wasn't your fault and that you still have kids who do love you.

Good luck with everything and take care.