Saturday, August 2, 2008

I can't believe it has been almost a month since I last blogged. That either speaks to how busy I have been or bottled up. Hard to tell which if not both at this point.

It's day three after my dad passed and I think I am starting to feel the effects. I haven't had a real good cry since it happened on Wednesday. The sobs came when he took his last breath. Then the constant stream of water that comes uncontrollably. But since then I felt a sense of calm and quiet sadness. The sadness was in there just not yet at the surface, close enough to the top to control my every emotion but today I fear it is bubbling to the top, ready to explode. Today I feel edgy and unsure. My confidence is low and I fear for what is to come. I know it is in there just waiting to be released. I have no delusions that this is the last of my emotions in regards to my dad's passing and possibly that is why I am more aware of the feelings and emotions I am having today.

Up until now I have tried not to berate myself or judge my feelings. Everyone handles grief in their own way and I am no different. Just because I am not sitting here at home on the couch crying my eyes out does not mean that I didn't love my dad. I know I am still in shock and I think in denial of some kind although I was there. I saw him take his last breaths with my own eyes and felt him leave his deteriorated body to be at peace and see the ones that have passed before him. I guess as many of my friends have told me who have lost a loved one, you just keep expecting them to call or walk through the door as if nothing has happened. I know he won't but I guess it doesn't stop me from wanting him to.

I am trying to stay busy with everyday things such as household chores, trying to have fun with the kids before they go back to school and reconnecting with my husband. I'm good at keeping busy with tasks that need to get done. I think that is what has got me through the last month or even five months while my dad was sick.

Writing these thoughts and feelings out helps. I feel it is a kind of release and a way of expressing myself so it doesn't stay all bottled up in here. Even if no one else reads this, I will have it to look back on and remember this time in my life. A hard time. A trying time. A sad time that I am going to survive and be stronger from. That I know deep down inside just as I know my dad is in a better place today looking down on me and my family in his cowboy hat & boots with his mother, father, and brothers by his side as our faithful dog Cheyenne lays at his feet while he sips on a cool ice tea. Love you daddy!


Jen said...

If I were there I would give you a great big hug. I know it wouldn't change anything, but that's all I seem to want to do when I read your blog/emails. Please, please, please know that I think of you often and that I am sending warm thoughts and a lot of love your way. I hope each day brings more comfort than the day before. I love ya.

-jen (melly)

Kerrie said...

You are in my prayers. I can't believe how strong you have been, you are an example. Keep writing, your kids will love to have it someday!