Sunday, June 22, 2008

Is it okay to be happy?

So today I spent a lazy Sunday at home with the kids until later in the day when we went to see Indiana Jones together. Jess had already seen it with Papa and Kevin had no desire to see it so I thought we'd get out of the house and get out of the heat. As I sat there, I was so happy to be spending time with the kids that I thanked them both for coming with me. I was thrilled to be there with them and found myself enjoying the movie. I loved just being entertained for a couple of hours (which I was, not a great movie but good enough!).

But then I started to think. . . is it right to be happy and enjoying myself when my dad is dying? Shouldn't I be at home waiting for the call or by his bedside holding his hand? Part of me wishes I could be there with him 24/7 as I know my time with him here on this Earth is very limited but I have a life. I have a family that means the world to me and I don't want to lose my sight of what will still be here when my dad leaves. But still, it is right to be going out and having fun while he lies there dying? I guess I'll never know because what is done is done. The past is the past. I can't change what has already happened. I can just hope my dad knows I love him as much as I can love a person and want him to find peace. I know in my heart he'd want me to be happy and spend time with my family. His family too.

It amazes me how we can control life for so many things like our plants, our pets, but not our loved ones who are already dying. I wish I could heal my dad of his diseases so that he could stay here with us longer but it's not like watering my plants every night. Or feeding the dog and getting her meds for her at the vet so she can stay here with us longer. It's just not that easy is it.

I recently got a Blackberry so I could keep up with my e-mail while I was away from home with the kids, etc. I found myself obsessed with the game BrickBreaker. Every spare minute I play it to let my mind go. One capsules that falls is LIFE. If you catch it with the paddle you get another life to extend the game. If only it worked that way in real life.

Be happy, loved and well.

3 comments:

jen said...

Robyn,
I hope you know that you are in my thoughts. Yes, it's okay to be happy. You have that right, but I know all too well the guilt and other emotions that all come into play when placed in this situation. You have to live your life. Don't let the guilt of what you're doing or not doing burden you down. Just live each day as it comes and embrace your time with your kids and loved ones as much as you embrace the time with your dad. There's no right or wrong way when it comes to this sort of thing. But, please know you're not alone. I love ya, girly.

Sarita Leone said...

It sounds like you had a lovely time with your kids. I believe it is okay--good, even--to be happy even in the saddest times. You deserve a smile, and your little ones do too.

Sending big, big hugs your way.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you, Teri Kennedy