So today I spent a lazy Sunday at home with the kids until later in the day when we went to see Indiana Jones together. Jess had already seen it with Papa and Kevin had no desire to see it so I thought we'd get out of the house and get out of the heat. As I sat there, I was so happy to be spending time with the kids that I thanked them both for coming with me. I was thrilled to be there with them and found myself enjoying the movie. I loved just being entertained for a couple of hours (which I was, not a great movie but good enough!).
But then I started to think. . . is it right to be happy and enjoying myself when my dad is dying? Shouldn't I be at home waiting for the call or by his bedside holding his hand? Part of me wishes I could be there with him 24/7 as I know my time with him here on this Earth is very limited but I have a life. I have a family that means the world to me and I don't want to lose my sight of what will still be here when my dad leaves. But still, it is right to be going out and having fun while he lies there dying? I guess I'll never know because what is done is done. The past is the past. I can't change what has already happened. I can just hope my dad knows I love him as much as I can love a person and want him to find peace. I know in my heart he'd want me to be happy and spend time with my family. His family too.
It amazes me how we can control life for so many things like our plants, our pets, but not our loved ones who are already dying. I wish I could heal my dad of his diseases so that he could stay here with us longer but it's not like watering my plants every night. Or feeding the dog and getting her meds for her at the vet so she can stay here with us longer. It's just not that easy is it.
I recently got a Blackberry so I could keep up with my e-mail while I was away from home with the kids, etc. I found myself obsessed with the game BrickBreaker. Every spare minute I play it to let my mind go. One capsules that falls is LIFE. If you catch it with the paddle you get another life to extend the game. If only it worked that way in real life.
Be happy, loved and well.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
"All These Thoughts In My Head"
That's a quote from a song off Alanis Morrisette's new album "Flavors of Entanglement". I happen to be in love with the it and find myself listening to it over and over and over again in my car especially when I am alone or feeling heavy emotions about what is going on in my life with my dad.
The circle of life is an interesting thing. We come into this world and are cared for by our parents. We exit this world being cared for by our children. We start off wearing diapers and being fed, we end up in diapers and being fed. Sometimes babies are just plain cranking and don't know why or what they really want. Not hungry, not tired, just fussy (as Teri once descrbied her mood to me). My dad was just fussy for several days dealing with his pain and feeling helpless. Now he is not so fussy but helpless lying in his bed not able to communicate or move about freely. This is the price for not being in pain or so we believe. It was heartbreaking to see him lying in his bed today, his eyes glazed over but still holding the familiar blue tint and kindness I have know all my life. He is still very much "in there" and still fighting the fight. How difficult it must be to have to lie there and wait for a chance to communicate with your loved ones or those taking care of you. I have no doubt he'd rather be up in his wheelchair visiting with us and his friends smoking a cigarette but the pain is strong and the need to find relief stronger.
I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew who this lesson in life was for, myself or my dad? Perhaps both of us. I know I am trying to learn from every second of it but how long will this course take to complete? My whole life I assume but I am ready for this chapter to be over. They say God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I never thought I was very strong because all my life I have had a fairly easy time of things. I hope this is my test and I hope I can pass it. My friend Minda sent me an e-mail the other day with this story. I want to share it with you.
You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than their house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely. As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up? Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this? 'Look at it.' He said. 'Read what it says.' She read the words ' United States of America ' 'No, not that; read further.' 'One cent?' 'No, keep reading.' 'In God we Trust?' 'Yes!' 'And?' 'And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin.
Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by?
When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful! When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, 'In God We Trust,' and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
Send this to every 'beautiful person' you wish to bless.
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
I really liked that last line. I have never been an overly religous person as most of you know but I have always believed in God as a higher source and now I am looking to that source to help me find the answers I am seeking and to lead my dad to a peaceful place with his family that has already passed on.
I need to pray tonight to get back in touch with God. I was praying a lot when all of this first started happening. I seemed to find strength and solace when I did. For some reason lately I haven't been. I seem to find a reason not to. I am too tired. I am too angry. God already knows what I am thinking but what if he doesn't? What if I need to voice my thoughts as part of my lesson of life I am learning? I will try tonight and every night after. Maybe that will help guide me in the right direction with my dad's illness. I hate questioning every decision, every thought I have. I feel guilty when I don't go see him every day. I feel rushed and anxious when I have to arrange for someone to watch my kids when I go visit him. Do I want to visit or have to visit? I want to visit as this is precious time I have with my dad before he leaves this earth forever. I should be thankful for every smile, breath and word we share until it is no longer possible to be together in this life. I am tired now and need sleep and with it some peace of mind and soul.
Be happy and loved and feel freely with your heart and thoughts.
The circle of life is an interesting thing. We come into this world and are cared for by our parents. We exit this world being cared for by our children. We start off wearing diapers and being fed, we end up in diapers and being fed. Sometimes babies are just plain cranking and don't know why or what they really want. Not hungry, not tired, just fussy (as Teri once descrbied her mood to me). My dad was just fussy for several days dealing with his pain and feeling helpless. Now he is not so fussy but helpless lying in his bed not able to communicate or move about freely. This is the price for not being in pain or so we believe. It was heartbreaking to see him lying in his bed today, his eyes glazed over but still holding the familiar blue tint and kindness I have know all my life. He is still very much "in there" and still fighting the fight. How difficult it must be to have to lie there and wait for a chance to communicate with your loved ones or those taking care of you. I have no doubt he'd rather be up in his wheelchair visiting with us and his friends smoking a cigarette but the pain is strong and the need to find relief stronger.
I wish I knew the answers. I wish I knew who this lesson in life was for, myself or my dad? Perhaps both of us. I know I am trying to learn from every second of it but how long will this course take to complete? My whole life I assume but I am ready for this chapter to be over. They say God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I never thought I was very strong because all my life I have had a fairly easy time of things. I hope this is my test and I hope I can pass it. My friend Minda sent me an e-mail the other day with this story. I want to share it with you.
You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than their house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely. As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up? Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this? 'Look at it.' He said. 'Read what it says.' She read the words ' United States of America ' 'No, not that; read further.' 'One cent?' 'No, keep reading.' 'In God we Trust?' 'Yes!' 'And?' 'And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin.
Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by?
When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful! When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, 'In God We Trust,' and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message. It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient..
Thought for the Day:
If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.
If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.
He sends you flowers every spring.
He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!
Send this to every 'beautiful person' you wish to bless.
God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.
Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
I really liked that last line. I have never been an overly religous person as most of you know but I have always believed in God as a higher source and now I am looking to that source to help me find the answers I am seeking and to lead my dad to a peaceful place with his family that has already passed on.
I need to pray tonight to get back in touch with God. I was praying a lot when all of this first started happening. I seemed to find strength and solace when I did. For some reason lately I haven't been. I seem to find a reason not to. I am too tired. I am too angry. God already knows what I am thinking but what if he doesn't? What if I need to voice my thoughts as part of my lesson of life I am learning? I will try tonight and every night after. Maybe that will help guide me in the right direction with my dad's illness. I hate questioning every decision, every thought I have. I feel guilty when I don't go see him every day. I feel rushed and anxious when I have to arrange for someone to watch my kids when I go visit him. Do I want to visit or have to visit? I want to visit as this is precious time I have with my dad before he leaves this earth forever. I should be thankful for every smile, breath and word we share until it is no longer possible to be together in this life. I am tired now and need sleep and with it some peace of mind and soul.
Be happy and loved and feel freely with your heart and thoughts.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Taking the plunge (again!)!
Well, here I am typing again. I just had my first experience with losing an entire post!! UGH! I clicked on the preview and then didn't save it so I lost it!!! Oh well, lesson learned I guess although now I feel way less inspired to recreate what I got down on paper (keyboard) the first time but I'll give it a try. . .
I finally decided to take the plunge and start my own blog. As many of you know, I have wanted to be a writer for a couple of years now. I have continually struggled with what to write. Should I take a stab at a novel? Is magazine writing for me? If so, what should my topic be? Recently a friend told me I was good at writing greeting card sentiments (thanks Sue!). That sounds wonderful, do I start my own business producing the cards or just freelance? So as you can see, I am still struggling today with what's next. But for now, I know I want to write and with my Dad's sudden illness, I feel the urge to write something down almost daily so I am hoping the blog will fill that need and hopefully help guide me to move forward with some form of writing for the rest of the world to read (dream big!).
I want to share this quote:
I finally decided to take the plunge and start my own blog. As many of you know, I have wanted to be a writer for a couple of years now. I have continually struggled with what to write. Should I take a stab at a novel? Is magazine writing for me? If so, what should my topic be? Recently a friend told me I was good at writing greeting card sentiments (thanks Sue!). That sounds wonderful, do I start my own business producing the cards or just freelance? So as you can see, I am still struggling today with what's next. But for now, I know I want to write and with my Dad's sudden illness, I feel the urge to write something down almost daily so I am hoping the blog will fill that need and hopefully help guide me to move forward with some form of writing for the rest of the world to read (dream big!).
I want to share this quote:
"Life is all about timing . . .
the unreachable becomes reachable,
the unavailable become available,
the unattainable, attainable.
Have the patience.
Wait it out.
It's all about timing."
- Stacey Charter
Timing is everything right? Have the patience. Well patience is something I have definitely lacked in the past especially when my children came along almost 10 years ago (can you believe Samantha is going to be 10 next month?). I seem to have very little patience when it comes to my children especially. I expect everything to be done right and quickly. Well, I don't do everything right and quickly so why should I expect that from my kids, family & friends? I shouldn't and I am trying not too. Ever since my Dad has gotten ill, I have been practicing patience a lot more. I am still not 100% there but I am better. You have to be when you are dealing with a health issue or you will go crazy. There is a lot of "waiting" to see what happens next when someone is ill and you don't know what will happen next. Right now we are waiting to see what happens next after my Dad's radiation therapy has ended. Right now he is tired and weak. A condition we hope is only an after effect of the radiation.
These days I am trying to take one day at a time and appreciate the wonderful things in my life. My talented and healthy children. Jess singing at Flagpole Friday at school (he rocked!). Samantha developing a lifelong friend in her dance buddy Maddy. The hummingbird feeding in my garden. One more day with my Dad. My hard working husband who provides for our family and comes home at the end of the day. Everyday I am thankful for more and more and hope to express it here in my blog. I also want to make the most of each day as we don't know if it will be our last. Today Jess had basketball practice at his school so instead of sitting and watching I walked around the playground to get my workout in. Normally I would have made an excuse as to why I didn't get to work out today (the kids are home, Kevin is working, etc.). I felt good for making the time and just doing it. I made time to see my Dad today and let the kids visit with their Grandpa (Pops) before he leaves for his trip. Dinner for Father's Day tonight and well wishes for a much deserved trip. Today I feel good, if only for today.
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