The tough gets tougher

Waves come in all sizes and speeds, that is how my emotions seem to be these past few days. If I thought the last couple of months were hard, I was wrong. The last couple of weeks have been even harder emotionally. Before, I found it easy to hide my anger, now I am finding it very hard to hide my other emotions that have come to the surface. I am sad, frustrated, scared, hurt, jealous, insecure, stressed and did I mention angry? It is so much harder to deal with this stage of the game.

I am disappointed in myself. I really want to be strong, especially for my kids and for myself. Up until now it's been easier to fuel my strength with my anger. Now I feel so much more vulnerable and unstable. I get frustrated so easy!!! I am sad and jealous when the kids want to spend time with their dad or call him (what seems like constantly) when he isn't with them. I feel like a five year old getting jealous or getting my feelings hurt cause they the kids are acting like they don't need me, which I know isn't true. I find myself getting upset and not being there to support my kids during this difficult time. They need me to be strong and be there for them as they go through these changes. How selfish of me to get so wrapped up in my emotions!

I know if I can get through this, I will be stronger but I need to find a new source of strength to power through to the finish line. I am definitely letting my kids down as well as myself. But how do I not let the reality of the situation get the best of me? I can't let it, there really isn't any other choice.

He was with me!

Today was one of the first times since my dad died in July that I have truly believed and felt that he was there with me. I've been longing to have that special feeling that people often talk about. Knowing a loved one is there with them, beside them when the need support. And today I finally had that feeling.

I went to Kaplan college to look into their Ultrasound program. In looking at my future, it has become apparent that I need to get a career that will allow me to support myself and my kids if need be and give me something to believe in. A few friends are in the field of Ultrasound (Technologist - a Technician is someone who works on the Ultrasound machines) and highly recommended it as a great career choice. At the recommendation of one of these friends (thank you Lisa!) I made an appointment to speak with a representative at the college.

Today I met with her and she had me take the entrance exam to get into the college itself. I needed to get a 15 out of 50 to get into the MA program. The MA program is Medical Assisting program that takes 9 months to complete and is a pre-rec for the UL program. To be accepted into the UL program you need to score a 21 out of 50. This is a timed test, 12 minutes to complete as many as you can. You can skip around and answer the ones you think you know. Well, I scored a 28 out of 50. Yay!

Before I took the entrance exam the admission rep was pushing me toward taking the MA program before the UL program which is a 2 year program plus 6 months to a year of clinical work in the field to receive your license. To be accepted into the UL program you had to take a test and get 70% or higher or have a couple other prerequisites which I didn't meet. After seeing my entrance exam score, the rep Micah (who was great) said "why don't you try taking the Anatomy & Physics test to see how you do. You can take it four times so you have nothing to lose." So I did. I needed to get 70% to pass. The test wasn't timed and there were 50 questions.

As I sat in the library alone taking the test, I felt a feeling of calm come over me. I immediately knew some of the answers to the questions. Some just from what I've learned or just knowing some things but I found myself being able to answer some of the questions I wouldn't have know if it hadn't been for my dad's illness. I just knew he was helping me and that maybe his illness and death weren't for nothing after all. He was there with me guiding me and patting me on the back when I finished.

I didn't pass this time but only missed getting 70% by 4 questions! Only 4 questions without even studying or being prepared. I'm going to pass next time after using Lisa's text book to study and I'm gonna do it for my dad. To make him proud and reinforce that our tragic loss wasn't for nothing!

I love you Daddy! Miss you too! I'll need you again and again and again!

I believe . . .

I just wanted to document all the things I've been thinking about lately, which is a lot. When your life is changing, you really start thinking about things. Like what you want in life, what you need and what you believe in. These are some of the things I believe in.

I believe I was complete as a woman when my children were born.
I believe the love of a child is irreplaceable.
I believe in true love despite my current situation.
I believe all things happen for a reason.
I believe that there is good in EVERYONE.
I believe angels do exist and watch over us.
I believe people do change over time and not always for the better.
I believe there is a God.
I believe you are never too old to make a change in your life.
I believe in karma and sometimes payback can be a bitch (really hoping this one is true!)
I believe all things are possible.
I believe we can all learn from one another if we just open our hearts & minds and listen.
I believe a child's innocence is a precious thing.
I believe we are all stronger than we think.
I believe we can get through anything with the love and support of family & friends.
I believe everyone wants to be loved.
I believe the love of an animal is enough to melt your heart.
I believe we can overcome our fears if our minds are strong enough.
I believe you can have a soul mate who isn't your spouse/lover but your friend.
I believe I will continue to meet special people who will touch my life until I die.
I believe in Santa Claus!

What do you believe in?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S!

When God created life, he blessed us all with very special people - FRIENDS!

I've always been a social person. I need people in my life. My family is a core that will never be shattered but I have a small family that has gotten even smaller over the last year with my dad passing on and my sweet baby girl (dog that is) Jackie. Family are the people you know will always be with you even if only in your heart. But friends, well friends are the topping on the cake. The protective layer around the core. All the sayings are true; Friends are our chosen family. Some people come into our lives for a reason. Some come and go but the true ones stick.

I have been truly blessed with a large network of friends. Each and everyone I call my friend has probably helped me or touched me in the last year in some way. Some of my friends I've had for a very long time, since elementary school. Some have come into my life later after my kids were born. Others have been there all along but maybe were just "on a break" but have come through big time in my times of need (which have been often lately!) :)

I am constantly reminded of what it means to be a friend by my friends. Maybe a phone call or an invitation to lunch. Accepting me into their home in a moments notice to share dinner, great coffee and some fun & games when it's needed the most. A hug, a text, a supportive e-mail even after a day of selfishness on my part. All of my friends have shown me how strong they are in their own way. Some may be single moms making it on their own. Some, dedicated wives/husbands and mothers/fathers with their priorities in place. Working people making their lives better for themselves and their families. Friends that have come through heartache and illness. Everyone is an inspiration if you look for it.

I have some people in my life right now that have disappointed me as well. People I thought were my friends but haven't shown me the kindness I'd expect of them. I thought I was that kind of friend to them but maybe their definition of friend is different from mine. I will always love these people but can't waste my time and heart on wishing they'd be something they are not. Maybe they are just "on a break" right now and might come back to be that person I choose to have in my life. I hope I'll be able to forgive and forget and accept what they are willing to offer.

I hope you all are reading this and knowing I am talking about YOU!! There are too many to list but your names are imprinted on my heart and keep it warm and protected during the cold and hard times life throws at us. I hope I am the kind of friend you need in your life and can continue to grow and learn to be the best I can be for you and for myself too.

I thank you all for everything you have given to me throughout my life and into the years to come!

Much love & gratitude -
Robyn :)

Christmas Changes

It's hard to believe tonight is almost over thus ending another Christmas. I can't say that this year's was the best for me. I am sure it won't be the worst either but it was definitely different.

Our morning seemed lonely and sadder without the presence of our beloved family dog Jackie, absent for the first time since we've had Christmas in this house. Her death last month has left a hole in all our hearts. As I video taped the kids opening the presents and stockings from Santa, I couldn't help but remember Christmases past where Jackie would be sniffing around her own stocking waiting to see what goodies await her inside. There was no rush to vacuum the floor because her long black hair was littering the surface. Or a need to ask her politely to move out of the way so the kids could play with their new toys in our limited space of a living room. Oh how I long for those things again and hope someday in the future we'll be able to make new memories with another beloved pet. For now I will cherish the fond and comforting memories our Jackie girl gave us. I miss you girl and hope you are watching us in doggie heaven.

This year also marked the first without my dad being available to be with us. Although he wasn't with us the last couple of Christmases (unbeknownst to us because he was sick and didn't want to be around people), it was definitely a different feeling knowing he couldn't be with us versus didn't want to be. I knew he wasn't just sitting at home in his recliner watching TV. I knew I couldn't call him up and try to convince him to come cause we all wanted him here. I wish I'd tried harder to convince him when he was still with us. Samantha often mentions the times when Grandpa would come to Christmas and would read to her. Unfortunately I don't think there are enough of those irreplaceable memories with him for either myself or my children.

I wonder if things would have been different if he hadn't been sick for previous Christmases. Would he have come and spent more time with us? Especially on the holidays? Or were there just too many things that bothered him that would have kept him away? I'll never know so I choose to believe things would have been different. They would have been good and he would have been here with us spending time with his family, his grand kids. I felt a bit helpless knowing I didn't have a choice this year if my dad was here or not. He just wasn't and I missed him greatly as I do everyday knowing I can't just call him up or go see him.

As our family continues to change and get older, I have come to realize through the death of my dad and dog that we all won't be here forever. And as much as it might be frustrating or stressful to get us all together, it is important and vital. I don't ever want to miss out on being with the ones I love if I am able. Or if they are able. A time will come in the future when they won't be or they will have left us as well. It is essential to me to work diligently to keep our family together thought the holidays no matter how crazy, stressful or frustrating it may be.

It has to be for me. I hope it will be for my kids and their kids too. Love the ones you have with you now for someday they may not be.

Missing what is gone

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday. A milestone for many but my dad wasn't lucky enough to see it, neither was I. When you think of your future, you usually imagine being with your parents as long as possible. Back when I was a kid, 70 was considered "old". But in today's world, a world of healthier living, staying fit, being active; we see our parents living well into their 80s and 90s. Unfortunately my dad didn't fit into those categories.

I miss him especially today when I would have celebrated his life with him and told him how much I loved him. How I thought he was the greatest daddy in the world. I still think those things but can't tell him now that he's gone. I am sad that I don't have him here to confide in. I have lost the best male relationship I've had in my life and probably will ever have. It just doesn't seem fair to have lost him.

People say you will think of him at the weirdest times. Today was one of those times when my neighbors were putting up their Christmas lights. I flashed back to my childhood when I'd watch my dad put up the Christmas lights with fascination. He'd line them up on the yard before he put them up on the house. At night I could see the colored lights outside my window twinkle and I remember feeling safe and warm. I felt that way because my dad put those lights up for our family, for me.

I hope my dad knows that I love him as much today as I did when he was alive. I hope he knows I am sorry for not making more of an effort to be in his life as I got older. I hope he knows that I am sorry he had to spend his last days in that rehab center instead of his home, in his own bed. I hope he knows I miss him every day and still need him as much as ever. I hope he's sitting in heaven petting Jackie and Cheyenne with a smile on his face.

Happy birthday Daddy! I love you forever and ever until I see you in Heaven.

Being Alone vs. Loneliness

How lucky am I? Two weeks ago I took off for the mountains. Just me and my bagful of goodies. Girly movies, a good (new) Nicholas Sparks book (The Lucky One which I managed to finish in 2 1/2 days), my new pink laptop and plenty of comfy clothes. I couldn't wait to get up to the cabin in Crestline (thanks to Tom and Diane for letting me use it) to have some alone, me time. I wanted to just veg out and not have to worry about anything or anyone except myself. Selfish? Probably yes but something I needed and wanted to do. Maybe I wanted to see how I'd do on my own. You know "me against the world". I had to rely on only myself to get in the cabin, go into the basement to turn on the water, water heater, etc. It was dark and I didn't like climbing into the dark room under the bedroom alone but I did it. "Hey I can do this." The first night was short since I arrived close to the seven o'clock hour. I got settled in, put in the first disc of Pride & Prejudice, the A&E version with Colin Firth (yum) and got comfortable on the couch. The cell phone reception at the cabin was patchy at best but I felt good and loved when I got a call from my family just as I had arrived and then an instant message making sure I had reception when I didn't answer the phone. I was happy to hear from them but hadn't quite had time to miss them, yet.



The next morning I awoke to the crisp mountain air. Immediately the need for coffee was a must. I made some breakfast and got right to the second disc of P&P. The afternoon lead to a nice walk around the surrounding streets. I found myself out on one of the more populated through streets. Granted it still wasn't that busy with traffic, with an occasional car passing me every couple minutes. I had to wonder though, "what if?" What if I fell and no one found me? What if a stranger stopped the car and grabbed me? Would anyone miss me? How long would it be before someone noticed I was gone? One of the down falls of going to the mountains alone I suppose.



Although I was enjoying my time alone, I found myself a little restless and filling the time with movies, sitting outside reading or playing games on my computer. Nothing too deep or thought provoking. I had wanted to write. Write some articles I had been meaning to start or get off paper and into the computer. Jot down some verses for greeting cards I wanted to submit this week but none of those things seemed it get done. I felt like inside I was babysitting myself. Like was doing everything I could to avoid what I intended to do while I was there, find myself. Think about what I really wanted for myself going forward. The only real thing I learned was that I don't like being alone. I don't like feeling lonely.



Now don't get me wrong, there is something wonderful about having time to yourself. Maybe a day off at the beach or a quiet afternoon at home with just the dog but being truly alone, isolated from friends and family for a period of time longer than 8 hours isn't something I enjoyed as much as I thought I would. I was lonely and I longed for my family, my routine. Eating alone was particularly hard for me. I was sad every time I got up to make myself a meal. Perhaps I was just feeling sorry for myself (I know, being alone in a mountain cabin is probably a dream come true for most of you!). I longed for the phone to ring and have it be my family saying they missed me. I guess I really longed to hear my husband missed me.

As I prepared to take a drive down to the Lake Gregory to walk around it and enjoying the scenery, I couldn't help but be excited to enjoy the rest of my time alone but also happy in the knowledge that I was going home that evening. When I arrived Sunday night it had been dark so I pulled up to the end of the driveway that stops right in front of the door. I was scared so I wanted to be close to the entrance of the cabin since it was so dark up there. Well, getting in was no problem but getting out was another story. As I started to back up and guide the Tahoe around the sharp right I had to make to get around the tree stump, I felt the tires slipping under me. The right side of the truck started to lean into the hill. Crap, I was stuck in a hole with no traction and the truck tilting heavily to the right side. The hill next to the driveway is somewhat steep and leads straight down to the road below. SHIT!!! I got out of the truck and proceeded to freak. I called Triple A (thank God for AAA). They would send a tow truck out to pull me out of the dirt. Great! No walk for me but at least I'd be able to go home that evening as planned.

After getting lost the tow truck finally arrived. After accessing the situation, the driver attempted to back the flatbed truck up the steep, dirt driveway. No go. Not gonna happen. He says they have to send back a classic tow truck that has 4 wheel drive. Unfortunately that truck is towing something to Apple Valley and won't be back till later but they can get it done today, even if it's dark. Guess what? He was wrong. As dusk approached I phoned AAA again and they informed me they couldn't come back out until morning. NO!! By this time I was so ready to go home to my family. As beautiful, peaceful and restful as it was, I had my mind set on going home. But I was stuck and better accept I was there for another night. I called my husband crying as I was worried about him going to work the next day, the kids, etc. He assured me they were fine. Glad they were. The night brought on new sounds and the wind (which caused a lot of the noises). I was restless all night for various reasons, one being I kept imagining the truck blowing over in the wind and crashing down the side of the hill right onto the street causing an accident!! It didn't happen and the tow truck finally came and got me out in less than 5 minutes.

It wasn't life threatening but it scared the shit out of me and showed me that I truly don't want to be alone in this world. I know being up at the cabin had a lot to do with it. When I am at home, in my own house with my friends and family only a phone call or walk outside my door away, being alone finds itself not as threatening. It is something I can live with and imagine I will have to at some point or another in my life. The marriage may not work, the kids will move out and start a life of their own. The dog dies. That leaves me alone with just my thoughts which lately all seem to be about how I don't want to be alone and lonely.