F-R-I-E-N-D-S!

When God created life, he blessed us all with very special people - FRIENDS!

I've always been a social person. I need people in my life. My family is a core that will never be shattered but I have a small family that has gotten even smaller over the last year with my dad passing on and my sweet baby girl (dog that is) Jackie. Family are the people you know will always be with you even if only in your heart. But friends, well friends are the topping on the cake. The protective layer around the core. All the sayings are true; Friends are our chosen family. Some people come into our lives for a reason. Some come and go but the true ones stick.

I have been truly blessed with a large network of friends. Each and everyone I call my friend has probably helped me or touched me in the last year in some way. Some of my friends I've had for a very long time, since elementary school. Some have come into my life later after my kids were born. Others have been there all along but maybe were just "on a break" but have come through big time in my times of need (which have been often lately!) :)

I am constantly reminded of what it means to be a friend by my friends. Maybe a phone call or an invitation to lunch. Accepting me into their home in a moments notice to share dinner, great coffee and some fun & games when it's needed the most. A hug, a text, a supportive e-mail even after a day of selfishness on my part. All of my friends have shown me how strong they are in their own way. Some may be single moms making it on their own. Some, dedicated wives/husbands and mothers/fathers with their priorities in place. Working people making their lives better for themselves and their families. Friends that have come through heartache and illness. Everyone is an inspiration if you look for it.

I have some people in my life right now that have disappointed me as well. People I thought were my friends but haven't shown me the kindness I'd expect of them. I thought I was that kind of friend to them but maybe their definition of friend is different from mine. I will always love these people but can't waste my time and heart on wishing they'd be something they are not. Maybe they are just "on a break" right now and might come back to be that person I choose to have in my life. I hope I'll be able to forgive and forget and accept what they are willing to offer.

I hope you all are reading this and knowing I am talking about YOU!! There are too many to list but your names are imprinted on my heart and keep it warm and protected during the cold and hard times life throws at us. I hope I am the kind of friend you need in your life and can continue to grow and learn to be the best I can be for you and for myself too.

I thank you all for everything you have given to me throughout my life and into the years to come!

Much love & gratitude -
Robyn :)

Christmas Changes

It's hard to believe tonight is almost over thus ending another Christmas. I can't say that this year's was the best for me. I am sure it won't be the worst either but it was definitely different.

Our morning seemed lonely and sadder without the presence of our beloved family dog Jackie, absent for the first time since we've had Christmas in this house. Her death last month has left a hole in all our hearts. As I video taped the kids opening the presents and stockings from Santa, I couldn't help but remember Christmases past where Jackie would be sniffing around her own stocking waiting to see what goodies await her inside. There was no rush to vacuum the floor because her long black hair was littering the surface. Or a need to ask her politely to move out of the way so the kids could play with their new toys in our limited space of a living room. Oh how I long for those things again and hope someday in the future we'll be able to make new memories with another beloved pet. For now I will cherish the fond and comforting memories our Jackie girl gave us. I miss you girl and hope you are watching us in doggie heaven.

This year also marked the first without my dad being available to be with us. Although he wasn't with us the last couple of Christmases (unbeknownst to us because he was sick and didn't want to be around people), it was definitely a different feeling knowing he couldn't be with us versus didn't want to be. I knew he wasn't just sitting at home in his recliner watching TV. I knew I couldn't call him up and try to convince him to come cause we all wanted him here. I wish I'd tried harder to convince him when he was still with us. Samantha often mentions the times when Grandpa would come to Christmas and would read to her. Unfortunately I don't think there are enough of those irreplaceable memories with him for either myself or my children.

I wonder if things would have been different if he hadn't been sick for previous Christmases. Would he have come and spent more time with us? Especially on the holidays? Or were there just too many things that bothered him that would have kept him away? I'll never know so I choose to believe things would have been different. They would have been good and he would have been here with us spending time with his family, his grand kids. I felt a bit helpless knowing I didn't have a choice this year if my dad was here or not. He just wasn't and I missed him greatly as I do everyday knowing I can't just call him up or go see him.

As our family continues to change and get older, I have come to realize through the death of my dad and dog that we all won't be here forever. And as much as it might be frustrating or stressful to get us all together, it is important and vital. I don't ever want to miss out on being with the ones I love if I am able. Or if they are able. A time will come in the future when they won't be or they will have left us as well. It is essential to me to work diligently to keep our family together thought the holidays no matter how crazy, stressful or frustrating it may be.

It has to be for me. I hope it will be for my kids and their kids too. Love the ones you have with you now for someday they may not be.

Missing what is gone

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday. A milestone for many but my dad wasn't lucky enough to see it, neither was I. When you think of your future, you usually imagine being with your parents as long as possible. Back when I was a kid, 70 was considered "old". But in today's world, a world of healthier living, staying fit, being active; we see our parents living well into their 80s and 90s. Unfortunately my dad didn't fit into those categories.

I miss him especially today when I would have celebrated his life with him and told him how much I loved him. How I thought he was the greatest daddy in the world. I still think those things but can't tell him now that he's gone. I am sad that I don't have him here to confide in. I have lost the best male relationship I've had in my life and probably will ever have. It just doesn't seem fair to have lost him.

People say you will think of him at the weirdest times. Today was one of those times when my neighbors were putting up their Christmas lights. I flashed back to my childhood when I'd watch my dad put up the Christmas lights with fascination. He'd line them up on the yard before he put them up on the house. At night I could see the colored lights outside my window twinkle and I remember feeling safe and warm. I felt that way because my dad put those lights up for our family, for me.

I hope my dad knows that I love him as much today as I did when he was alive. I hope he knows I am sorry for not making more of an effort to be in his life as I got older. I hope he knows that I am sorry he had to spend his last days in that rehab center instead of his home, in his own bed. I hope he knows I miss him every day and still need him as much as ever. I hope he's sitting in heaven petting Jackie and Cheyenne with a smile on his face.

Happy birthday Daddy! I love you forever and ever until I see you in Heaven.

Being Alone vs. Loneliness

How lucky am I? Two weeks ago I took off for the mountains. Just me and my bagful of goodies. Girly movies, a good (new) Nicholas Sparks book (The Lucky One which I managed to finish in 2 1/2 days), my new pink laptop and plenty of comfy clothes. I couldn't wait to get up to the cabin in Crestline (thanks to Tom and Diane for letting me use it) to have some alone, me time. I wanted to just veg out and not have to worry about anything or anyone except myself. Selfish? Probably yes but something I needed and wanted to do. Maybe I wanted to see how I'd do on my own. You know "me against the world". I had to rely on only myself to get in the cabin, go into the basement to turn on the water, water heater, etc. It was dark and I didn't like climbing into the dark room under the bedroom alone but I did it. "Hey I can do this." The first night was short since I arrived close to the seven o'clock hour. I got settled in, put in the first disc of Pride & Prejudice, the A&E version with Colin Firth (yum) and got comfortable on the couch. The cell phone reception at the cabin was patchy at best but I felt good and loved when I got a call from my family just as I had arrived and then an instant message making sure I had reception when I didn't answer the phone. I was happy to hear from them but hadn't quite had time to miss them, yet.



The next morning I awoke to the crisp mountain air. Immediately the need for coffee was a must. I made some breakfast and got right to the second disc of P&P. The afternoon lead to a nice walk around the surrounding streets. I found myself out on one of the more populated through streets. Granted it still wasn't that busy with traffic, with an occasional car passing me every couple minutes. I had to wonder though, "what if?" What if I fell and no one found me? What if a stranger stopped the car and grabbed me? Would anyone miss me? How long would it be before someone noticed I was gone? One of the down falls of going to the mountains alone I suppose.



Although I was enjoying my time alone, I found myself a little restless and filling the time with movies, sitting outside reading or playing games on my computer. Nothing too deep or thought provoking. I had wanted to write. Write some articles I had been meaning to start or get off paper and into the computer. Jot down some verses for greeting cards I wanted to submit this week but none of those things seemed it get done. I felt like inside I was babysitting myself. Like was doing everything I could to avoid what I intended to do while I was there, find myself. Think about what I really wanted for myself going forward. The only real thing I learned was that I don't like being alone. I don't like feeling lonely.



Now don't get me wrong, there is something wonderful about having time to yourself. Maybe a day off at the beach or a quiet afternoon at home with just the dog but being truly alone, isolated from friends and family for a period of time longer than 8 hours isn't something I enjoyed as much as I thought I would. I was lonely and I longed for my family, my routine. Eating alone was particularly hard for me. I was sad every time I got up to make myself a meal. Perhaps I was just feeling sorry for myself (I know, being alone in a mountain cabin is probably a dream come true for most of you!). I longed for the phone to ring and have it be my family saying they missed me. I guess I really longed to hear my husband missed me.

As I prepared to take a drive down to the Lake Gregory to walk around it and enjoying the scenery, I couldn't help but be excited to enjoy the rest of my time alone but also happy in the knowledge that I was going home that evening. When I arrived Sunday night it had been dark so I pulled up to the end of the driveway that stops right in front of the door. I was scared so I wanted to be close to the entrance of the cabin since it was so dark up there. Well, getting in was no problem but getting out was another story. As I started to back up and guide the Tahoe around the sharp right I had to make to get around the tree stump, I felt the tires slipping under me. The right side of the truck started to lean into the hill. Crap, I was stuck in a hole with no traction and the truck tilting heavily to the right side. The hill next to the driveway is somewhat steep and leads straight down to the road below. SHIT!!! I got out of the truck and proceeded to freak. I called Triple A (thank God for AAA). They would send a tow truck out to pull me out of the dirt. Great! No walk for me but at least I'd be able to go home that evening as planned.

After getting lost the tow truck finally arrived. After accessing the situation, the driver attempted to back the flatbed truck up the steep, dirt driveway. No go. Not gonna happen. He says they have to send back a classic tow truck that has 4 wheel drive. Unfortunately that truck is towing something to Apple Valley and won't be back till later but they can get it done today, even if it's dark. Guess what? He was wrong. As dusk approached I phoned AAA again and they informed me they couldn't come back out until morning. NO!! By this time I was so ready to go home to my family. As beautiful, peaceful and restful as it was, I had my mind set on going home. But I was stuck and better accept I was there for another night. I called my husband crying as I was worried about him going to work the next day, the kids, etc. He assured me they were fine. Glad they were. The night brought on new sounds and the wind (which caused a lot of the noises). I was restless all night for various reasons, one being I kept imagining the truck blowing over in the wind and crashing down the side of the hill right onto the street causing an accident!! It didn't happen and the tow truck finally came and got me out in less than 5 minutes.

It wasn't life threatening but it scared the shit out of me and showed me that I truly don't want to be alone in this world. I know being up at the cabin had a lot to do with it. When I am at home, in my own house with my friends and family only a phone call or walk outside my door away, being alone finds itself not as threatening. It is something I can live with and imagine I will have to at some point or another in my life. The marriage may not work, the kids will move out and start a life of their own. The dog dies. That leaves me alone with just my thoughts which lately all seem to be about how I don't want to be alone and lonely.

Pure Joy

This weekend I experienced two instances of pure, unabated joy. Both involved my husband and my children, on separate occasions. I felt the unshakable urge to get them down on paper (or cyberspace) as to try to capture these moments forever aside from in my mind. In addition, I wish there was a way to preserve the snapshots in my mind and have them transferred for you all to see. Maybe my words will give you a mental picture of your own to enjoy.

On Saturday, Jess played in his second to last regular season soccer game. Another bright and early occasion, the field was the perfect backdrop for the dramatic scene being played out. Slippery with dew and messy with mud, the boys played their hearts out. We were versing the #1 team in our bracket. They were undefeated coming into our game. When I arrived (late) it was already half time and I missed a first half consisting of the other team scoring making it a simple 0-1 game. Jess played defense with a new sense of confidence and power I hadn't seen in him at the start of the season. Quite a difference for Pops and MeMe to experience since their first game visitation.

As we entered the 4th quarter (period? I still haven't done the research on this) having tied the game at one goal each, coach Bob placed Jess in goal; a position he was yet to play in a regular game aside from practice. But I assumed that coach had seen a change in Jess as well and was placing him in this all important role because he had the faith in him any child needs to become a confident and stronger person. I was amazed as I watched my usually timid son on the soccer field come out to get the ball before the other team was able to attack it again. He made great stops, we scored another goal and were leading the game 2-1 now. We had a chance to win this game. Play continued and Jess made a move to stop the ball and accidentally stepped out of the box picking up the soccer ball instead of kicking it. A no no in soccer resulting in a penalty kick. As our team lined up in front of the goal, I held my breath. The kick was lobbed high and went over Jess' head to score the tying goal. The initial disappointment was felt but everyone moved on including coach as he yelled encouraging words to Jess and the rest of the team. Time wasn't on our side and the ref blew the final whistle indicating the end of the game. We tied the first place team handing them their first non-win of the season. No bad not bad at all. As I felt a sense of disappointment that they were able to score while Jess was in the goal, I observed the other parents on the sidelines. They along with coach Bob were cheering for the boys and thrilled with the outcome. As I approached Jess, Kevin was telling him how amazing he was and how proud he was of him. Jess was elated. His pride showed on his face and I had to stop to soak in the moment. I was ashamed of myself for being embarrassed my son let the tying goal in. I should be and am proud that my normally timid and passive soccer player had stepped up and found the confidence he needs to be a part of a team and feel good about his accomplishments. Jess' joy showed me you don't always have to win to get the prize.

On Saturday evening, funny enough the same day as the soccer experience, we all went out to dinner as a family to Don Cucos. We rarely get to go out as a family on the weekend as Kevin is usually working late and we normally eat separately. Several minutes after sitting at the table, I noticed Kevin looking over my shoulder with that twinkle in his eye he only gets when he is looking at children. Whether it be his or someone else's. This time it was a sweet little girl with big eyes sitting in her high chair. She was entranced and so was he. When I turned around to look at her she didn't even notice as she was too enraptured by Kevin waving to her and having a personal conversation just between themselves. Although seeing Kevin interact with children makes me smile, I also feel somewhat sad that I wasn't in a place in life to give him more children. A third or even a fourth child would have fulfilled him even more than his two do now. I am sorry that I wasn't mentally strong enough to take that next step. No what really brought me joy was watching Samantha watch her dad. She too was intrigued by the sweet little girl but it was her daddy that brought a huge, pure smile to her face. She sat with her back against the wall just taking in her dad flirt with this little girl. I didn't see jealousy or spite that he was giving his attention to the girl instead of her. I saw my daughter taking in the moment with love and a pure innocent joy I don't see every day. I hope to never forget that smile and look in her eyes.

Can you experience joy when you don't feel it yourself? Do you overlook what's right in front of you everyday because you aren't in touch with your own happiness? Being at peace with oneself may open the door to allowing the light from these types of moments to shine in on your heart and soul. Do we see these acts when we are down and just don't appreciate them as much? Are they not joyous enough to bring us out of our darkness? Maybe it's the slightest shifts in mind and spirit that allow this change to happen. The baby steps towards finding your inner self. Discovering you do have the strength to be strong when times are hard. The motivation to follow your dreams and just do it! Tonight I did it and submitted my first five verses for Valentine's Day greeting cards! I am thrilled that I finally accomplished something I've been dreaming of for a while and although I tell myself I am just happy I did it and don't care if they are accepted or not (I'd settle for just one of them!), I am kidding myself because it does matter to me. I really want them to be accepted. I need them to be accepted to help me continue to get stronger and believe in myself. And perhaps to help me remain at peace with myself enough to see the moments of joy that happen in my life everyday.

The "F" Word

No I am not talking about that "F" word, I'm referring to a more profound and impactful 'F" word , FEAR. A four letter word that seems to be creeping into my conscious thought quite frequently.



Do we all live our lives out of fear? Were we all born fearless and something came along, bit us in the butt and made us fearful? Are we born with certain fears inbreed in us like genetics? Do we all have the same underlying fears but handle them differently? I have to wonder. Does everyone have a fear of being unloved and unwanted? Some say even people who act like they don't care or need anyone actually do. They have just created this facade to protect themselves from getting hurt. But whose hurt more, the one who doesn't try or the one who puts their who heart and soul into not being hurt only to be scarred in the end?



I think my fears have been alive and well in me from a very early age. My fear of being unliked and later in life unloved. I never felt I wasn't loved by my family, never. Even when I was a TOTAL nightmare to them (and I do apologize for that Sissy, Mom) I never felt like I wasn't loved. I've always wanted people to like me. I think I acted like a jerk when I was little to avoid the rejection of other kids. Then I decided to be nice and hope everyone would like me. I still hope for that today although my years of life experience have taught me not everyone is going to like you no matter what you do or how you are. I try to just be me and hope for the best but deep down, I do want everyone to like me. :)



New fears pop up through out the process of living life. Fear of trying something new and failing (writing). The fear of doing something you know is right but is hard because it might make that person (or pet) not like/love you anymore. My beloved dog Jackie is getting old, bless her heart. I love her to death but she has now become almost completely blind, deaf when she is asleep and her back legs don't work quite as well as they used to. All these circumstances have lead to her having accidents on the carpet, repeatedly. I know the only solution is to lock her up in the kitchen at night (where there is carpet in the dining room for her to lie on, her water & food plus her doggie door to go outside) but this would prohibit her from coming into our room and sleeping on her bed next to ours. I did try to barricade her in, several times and every time she broke through so I caved in and let her have run of the house even though it inevitably leads to an accident, me cleaning it up and my husband getting more upset with me. I finally bought a gate wide enough to enclose the space between the living room and dining room. It's nice and was expensive. I've used it during the day when I know we are going to be gone for more than an hour or two and it's been fine. But I still can't bring myself to use it at night. Is that a fear that the dog will suddenly hate me and not let me pet her? That doesn't sound very realistic when you really think about it. Maybe it's not fear at all just selfishness on my part. I love her like a child and I selfishly want her with me and I want her unconditional love for as long as I can get it.



My fear of being unloved can be tracked back to my first boyfriend, Eddie. He was a nice guy, they always are. Never mean or abusive but Eddie definitely took advantage of my kindness. My open generosity to him based on his living situation, his family life, his past. My naivety on life and relationships. I let him take advantage of me out of fear of being unloved and unwanted. Of course eventually I woke up and got tired of it and saw what he really was and got over it real quick. Then it was the doctor. The doctor who I convinced myself was the one for me. I was going to be a doctor's wife if it killed me. He liked me but never loved me. I tired all I could to be the one for him but he wasn't looking for that one or I just wasn't it for him. When in reality he wasn't what I really wanted or needed in the one either but at the time I had convinced myself he was. Thank God he didn't do his residency at UCLA.



When "the one" does come along and you decide to marry, it isn't just about you anymore. It's about us. I honestly and truly believe that any relationship; friend, lover, parent can only be successful if their is compromise on both parties part. We all at one time or another have made compromises to make a relationship work. I am willing to compromise, especially in my marriage but what I find myself asking lately is; is compromising really just an excuse for settling? Have I allowed things that bother me in my marriage to just be a compromise all these years when really I was just settling for the way things were or are because I am fearful of being unloved or unwanted? Did I not stand up for things I wanted or believed in early on in the relationship because of those fears or were they things I could really compromise on to make things work? Did I allow these things or not do things because I knew/know they would make the other person happy? What if I did settle or compromise to make the other person happy and now they aren't? Where does that leave me?



I can not redo the past. I can not go back and change the things I've done or may not have done that I should have, no one can. So now I have to look to the present and the future. Next time I find myself compromising on something, I should stop and ask myself if this is really something I want to do or am I just doing it out of fear? Can we really succeed in life when we live in fear constantly. I think we can survive but that's not really living. I think I will always have the fear of being unliked, unloved and unwanted but I want my new fears to be my driving fears. The fear of the unknown, the fear of never trying, the fear of my children not being proud of their mom. The fear of not being the best I can be for me.

Inspiration

"Just Do It!"

I love this slogan! It pretty much says it all in three words. Lately I've found myself searching for inspiration, motivation and purpose. I am inspired by many things and in many different ways. Today I was blown away by a group of 8 & 9 year old boys running around a soccer field at 7:30 in the morning in 48 degree weather. When I arrived at half time, our team was down by 4. We were playing a good team with several star players. It was a bummer and my son Jess said to me (as he sat on my lap keeping me warm) "we lost but it's okay." I said the game isn't over yet. And it wasn't. The Sky Knights proceeded to score, goal after goal until they took the lead in the last quarter (or is it period in soccer?). As the minutes ticked away we anxiously awaited the ref's whistle indicating the end of the game and a tremendous victory for the boys. The feeling of exhilaration was pure and irreplaceable. The courage and tenacity those boys showed today was inspiring. Never give up no matter what the score or the circumstances. I wish I had that spirit alive in me today.

As I struggle to lose the 20 pounds I put back on after losing 22 over a year ago, I find I am missing the motivation I must need to "just do it." I did it once, why can't I do it again? I am exercising the same amount, if not more. So what's the problem? Why aren't the pounds flying off like they did the first time around? I know why, because I'm not sticking to the program. I am still eating whatever I want and losing any and all will power especially when I am feeling out of sorts which is quite often for me lately. I find I am an emotional wreak more often then not. When I'm sad, angry, tired, I tend to eat. If I am mad at my family, I think I am punishing them by not eating right. No, I just punishing myself. If my husband is not paying the attention to me I want or feel I deserve, I dive head first into self pity and eating rather than trying to work at making myself more attractive or healthy for both myself and him. My work out buddies try to motivate me by being there for me and providing the encouraging words I need to hear. But they can only take me so far on this journey. They can lead me to the top of the hill but I have to climb to the top on my own. I have to carry myself over that last obstacle in order to achieve my goal; all my goals not just with my weight loss.

How long have I wanted to be a writer now? Probably longer than I care to look back and remember. First it was writing fan fic for the General Hospital soap couple, Jason and Elizabeth. Then I wanted to write a romance novel. Oh no, I know, I can write greeting cards. Yeah I would be good at that. Now I want to write a book about my experience with my dad's illness and untimely death. All have lead to the same place - nowhere! I don't know what to write about. I don't know if I should write greeting cards for other companies or start my own business. Maybe no one will want to read what I have to write about. I'm no expert, how can I write a book about caring for a sick parent? These are the statements I have running around in my head, daily. I make a commitment to myself to start something, finally. Then I find myself making excuses or playing on Facebook instead of writing. Today my kids were outside playing most of the day. Kevin was at work, the dog was asleep at my feet. The perfect time to sit down and write something. My Facebook page sure looks good.

I need a swift kick in the ass is what I need. I need something stronger and more powerful than my mind to get my dreams in motion. I need my heart, my soul and my mind as one so I can "JUST DO IT!"