Clean

This week's theme for me seems to be clean.

It started Sunday with carpet cleaning. I needed to clean the carpets desperately. Being cheap, I wanted to borrow some one's machine versus renting one myself or having a professional service come in. Ironically, my neighbors had the same idea except they aren't as cheap as me so they rented one from the grocery store. They were very kind and generous and let me borrow the machine before it had to be returned the next day. Thanks Dana and Ed!

Having clean carpet which made the house look A LOT better, I started the house cleaning. This carried over into Monday when I finally finished. I love when the house is clean and I have the feeling of accomplishment by cleaning it myself (versus having my cleaning lady, Marta come in which I absolutely love doing but can't afford).

Today I had a dentist appointment to have my teeth cleaned. Again, I can't really afford it right now but I know how important my health is so I went anyway. I got a good report and came out with clean teeth; another good feeling. Then it was onto Jiffy Lube to get the car's oil changed and ending with a much needed car wash. Boy was it needed, she was caked on with dirt and grim that had been there for a least two months! Looking at my car after it came out of the wash, I realized how nice and new it looked. A good cleaning can really give you a refreshed outlook on things, whether it be the car, the dog or a hot shower after a full day of activity.

I've decided I am going to continue this clean theme. I'm going to clean out the office so we can walk in there again. I am going to clean out the house by donating items and having a very large garage sale. I am cleaning out my mind and soul each day to make room for the good stuff. The refreshed ideas and ways. I going to work on cleaning up some of my down falls: procrastination, over emotional, over analyzing, taking things too personal among many others.

The more I think about it, clean is all around us. Making a clean break from a bad relationship or situation. An addict becoming clean from the addiction. A person cleaning up their act to make good on their best qualities in life. Cleaning up the clutter; physical and mental.

I'm coming clean with you and admitting I've missed writing, a lot and hope I can continue this cleanliness in my life.

Change

It's amazing how quickly a change can come on and how that change can totally effect you. Maybe it's the changing of the weather. From uncomfortably hot to cool and crisp. A feeling comes upon you that brings an inner peace and warmth. Snuggling on the couch with a warm blanket and a loved one by your side (a puppy in my case). It can all happen with a shift in the wind.

One day you may be feeling high and empowered and then something or someone brings that feeling down. It's a shame that this happens but I know I am still not strong enough to fight it off. Most time it takes over before you even know the change is happening. I hope for more change in the future where other people's actions won't influence my mood so much. I long for a time when things will roll off my back and not effect me so much especially when it's not about me directly (when dealing with children though, I don't know if I'll ever be able to let it go as much as I should).

Sometimes when you see an opportunity for a postitive change and it isn't taken, it can be heartbreaking. The effects of that missed chance can effect many people but once the chance for that change has passed, there isn't much you can do about it, especially when it's not in your control. In times as these, we can only hope and pray for another chance for a positive change to come along and it not be missed again.

Overwhelmed is a good thing sometimes . . .

I'm dead tired. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. My TV is broken and I don't know how it's gonna get fixed or replaced on my minuscule budget but I am thankful for these feelings because it means I am alive and living my life each and every day to the best of my ability!

I went to bed late last night because I was working on a writing job that was due yesterday. I thank God for that opportunity to work. I just hope it's good enough to get another one! Having the confidence to succeed at what I am doing is my number one hurdle. I have to remind myself each and every day that I am strong enough to do anything I set my mind to. I may not be able to please everyone all the time but there are people out there that will benefit from what I have to offer. Whether that be professional or personal. I can make this business work and I will. I really don't have any choice.

So many times we wish for things and then when they happen, we don't know what to do with them or how to handle the changes. I really want this new Virtual Assistant/Freelance Writer business to work and be successful. Now I find myself struggling to make the balance of work and home life, well work! I have deadlines to meet and new business to generate yet my house is a mess and I want to spend time with my kids. I am so lucky to have my kids this week. I treasure very moment with them and get frustrated when I don't have 100% of my attention on them. Then I remind myself how blessed I am to be working from home, even if it's one or two jobs here and there. I could be away from home,unable to have my kids with me and still working to earn that oh so valuable dollar. I wouldn't be able to still drive Samantha to dance or go watch Jess' basketball game like I did tonight. The pure joy it gives me to see my son playing his heart out on that court and really enjoying himself. He lights up and pumps his fists when he scores a basket or someone else scores off his pass. No better feeling in the world to me. Or when I see Samantha dancing her very best in class. She puts her heart and soul into her dancing and I admire her passion for it. I want to have a passion like that and I will again someday. And my kids will be proud of me like I am of them.

If the TV can't be fixed, I'll get another one. Maybe it won't be as big or technical but I will provide one for my family. It is nice not having it work. Maybe we will be reminded of what it means to spend time together as a family again. Just talking about our day, playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe or the kids will just go out and play with their friends and be happier than they would be in front of the TV anyway.

Independence Day!!

The 4th of July, what an important day in the history of America. The day the Declaration of Independence was signed. I'm not much of a history buff so I'll spare the history recap for another post.

On this Independence day, I am declaring it my Independence day!! This is my time to truly find myself and be the person, the woman I've always wanted to be. As I step further and further away from a marriage that wasn't what I thought it was, I see that I am actually capable of becoming whomever I want to be, on my own. I don't need a man, as a husband or a boyfriend to complete me and make me feel whole. I know I want someone in my life again that will help me live through this life as a companion but I don't have to have one to survive.

As I am forced to deal with situations I wouldn't want to see myself in; like not being with my kids on our first 4th of July since the split, I also find that I can deal with it. I was sad to not have my kids by my side today as we swam and enjoyed good company and food at my best friend Krysti's house. I was sad that I couldn't experience the fireworks with them and see their faces light up with fascination. But there will be more fireworks and more years to enjoy them and I know I'll cherish those times together even more now that I know what it feels like to be without them.

Here's to freedom!!

Mother's Day Emotions

It seems I like to write about my feelings on Sundays. This is the day, evening I have to say goodbye to my kids until Wednesday afternoon when I see them again after school. I haven't quite been able to get past this hurdle yet and today wasn't any better. Today is Mother's Day.

As I went into today knowing it was my first Mother's Day without "a partner", I didn't have any expectations. My Mother's Days in the past weren't anything special. My soon to be ex-husband never found it necessary to teach the children what it means to treat someone you love special; if even for one day. I guess that's because I was never viewed as special to him. Regardless of this, I didn't want to get myself too worked up about today. I was treating it like any other Sunday.

My kids allowed me to sleep in which in itself is a gift! The puppy was all too happy to be still in bed past 9:30am as she had a play date the night before at my best friend house (not so much fun for my BF I might add). My daughter made my coffee and I got cereal with bananas - yum. My son wanted to go to the movies together, that was his gift to me and I received it with open arms. Time with my kids has come to mean more to me than ever before.

In the past, Mother's Day was more about getting a break from being Mom for one day. But this year, it was more about spending quality time with my kids and being so thankful for the time we have together. Now that they are gone half the time, I am learning to appreciate our togetherness and not want to just get away from them. I am sorry it took a divorce to make me realize this.

The kitchen is a mess. There are "things" spread all over the house but I didn't care. A day at the movies was all I could think about. Before, I wouldn't have gone knowing those things sat undone, waiting for me to make the house look perfect. Now, it can wait and no one will die because of it. Hannah Montana was on the schedule. I had been wanting to go see this movie with my kids and from my reaction to it, you'd swear it was an academy award winner! I was crying like a baby during several scenes. I really lost it when she was singing the song she wrote for her dad. Although I wasn't thinking of my daughter and her relationship with her father, I was instead listening to the words and connecting with them. Her words about tucking her in a night, driving everywhere and anywhere, making a living while making a home at the same time; they all hit me right in my heart. Although her dad does those things for her because her mother died, I felt that way too. I am a single parent now and I want to be the best mother I can be my kids. Her struggle with being who she really is and who she wants to be also got to me. She didn't want to continue to see her family and herself have to sacrifice things in life for her career. Her father didn't want to accept things in his life that may make him happy because of how it might affect his daughter's life as Hannah Montana. Although I don't have a pop star as a a daughter, I related to the role of the parent wanting to do anything for their child even sacrifice their own happiness. I know that is what I want for my kids.

As the movie came to an end and I knew my time with my kids would be ending soon as well, I tried to just treasure the moment. I was so happy to feel appreciative of our time together versus wanting a break. I also wanted to be stronger. I should have told their dad I was keeping them longer tonight because it is Mother's Day and I deserve to me with my kids. I should have said they should have time with their mom and not be taken somewhere they don't want to go and be with a woman that isn't their mother but I didn't. I was weak and gave into the tears before they even left the driveway.

This process is just that, a process and one that I am going through slowly. I have to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afraid of him. He can't hurt me anymore than he already has. I am strong and I can overcome the sorrows that come along with this new life. I want to make my kids and myself proud as I stand with my head high and show there is more to life than being someones second choice. I don't need anyone to take care of me but I'd like someone to. But for now, that someone is going to be me.

Thank you kids for making this one of the best Mother's Days I've ever had! I love you both very much!

Tonight, as the sadness is taking over my emotions I wanted to write down my feelings and when I came here to write them down, I realized I already had in my last post. I'm tired of feeling this way and I want to heal, get over it and move on. When I see my children being taken in a direction I don't like or want, I feel helpless and angry. But when I talk to them later and realize they are fine and not sad, hurt or upset why can't I be happy for them. I want my children to be happy; their happiness is my main concern. So what if I don't like who they are with when they are not with me. If they have a good time and aren't upset what should it truly matter what I think or want? In the grand scheme of things, in the long run these moments of worry, concern and anger will not matter as long as my kids are happy and healthy.

I want to be happy too so I can show them that life is hard but you can rise above loss, heartache, pain, betrayal and adversity to live your best and be joyous in the lives we create for ourselves. I know I will be some day but at times the bad feelings seem like they are the only ones surviving.

Now is one of those times.

How Old Am I?

Sometimes I truly wonder how old I am, or how old I am in my mind. The reality of being an adult is ever present, especially being a mother but there are times, and it seems recently a lot of the time, that I don't act my age. My feelings are those of a child, a very young child. I am often jealous and bitter. Inside my head I hear the voice of my inner child whining "Why me?". The adult that faces the real world daily wants to slap her and tell her to get over it but the feelings continue to make their way into my consciousness.

I can't help but feel petty and immature based on these feelings of jealousy, rejection, self-pity, anger, weakness, low self-esteem but then I think "how can I not feel these things with everything I am going through." I know it is probably okay to feel these things but the key is to not let them affect me or my attitude and I think that is what really bothers me. I seem to step outside myself and watch as I react to these feelings and honestly, I'm appalled. When I see myself acting worse than my 8-year old son, how can I not be? I'm the adult in this family; the only one in this house and I need to act that way. What kind of example am I setting for my children by acting this way? An immature, spoiled child who doesn't get their way.

I want to be strong. I want to be able to have the feelings and dismiss them as easily as I let them creep into my mind. I don't want to be run by these damaging, weak thoughts and feelings. Can't I just let it roll off my back like other people seem to be able to? Yes, life isn't fair, get over it already! Things don't always go your way and that is a lesson I learned long ago but I think it's been over the last 18 months that I've truly felt the sting of that saying.

I have to focus on what makes me happy and secure in who I am. I am not perfect by ANY means but I think I live my life with the best of intentions. I don't deliberately try to hurt people, especially the ones I love but I know that sometimes this is unavoidable especially when I am wrapped up in my own emotions. I want to be a grown up to be able to control the weak feelings and save the childish times for having fun and living life to the fullest!

Music & Life

Music has always been a big part of my life. For many of us its a part of our daily lives. Some are gifted enough to make music with their voices, words, instruments. Others of us just listen with our ears and absorb music for whatever purpose suits us at the time. Maybe for comfort, companionship, relief, relaxation. I bet if I asked 50 people what music means to them and what it does for them, I'd give 50 different answers.

I've always enjoyed good songwriting and been envious of those who have that gift of putting their thoughts down on paper and putting them together with music creating song. I'd love to write songs but don't have a musical bone in my body so I'll just keep enjoying what those with the talent can give to us.

Much like the path we take to find our true selves, I think we must truly experience life before we can appreciate what some messages mean in songs. I might have heard a song in the past and really liked it but not truly felt the words, experienced them in my life. I feel with my recent life lessons, I have learned to really appreciate some songs more than I ever did. I can relate so much more now to the songs that speak of heartache and pain. There seem to be a million more out there that I never realized before. Through my hardships, I have become even more appreciative and "in tune" with the meaning of the words to some of my favorite songs. What a wonderful world of music we have to get lost in.

I hope someday to reconnect with the songs I once loved and related to about love, trust, honesty, real attraction and contentment. I know that someday will come but for now I'll stick with my songs of pain and heartache to help me release what is inside my heart and soul to cleanse and refresh.

Thank you to all that create something beautiful in our world.

The tough gets tougher

Waves come in all sizes and speeds, that is how my emotions seem to be these past few days. If I thought the last couple of months were hard, I was wrong. The last couple of weeks have been even harder emotionally. Before, I found it easy to hide my anger, now I am finding it very hard to hide my other emotions that have come to the surface. I am sad, frustrated, scared, hurt, jealous, insecure, stressed and did I mention angry? It is so much harder to deal with this stage of the game.

I am disappointed in myself. I really want to be strong, especially for my kids and for myself. Up until now it's been easier to fuel my strength with my anger. Now I feel so much more vulnerable and unstable. I get frustrated so easy!!! I am sad and jealous when the kids want to spend time with their dad or call him (what seems like constantly) when he isn't with them. I feel like a five year old getting jealous or getting my feelings hurt cause they the kids are acting like they don't need me, which I know isn't true. I find myself getting upset and not being there to support my kids during this difficult time. They need me to be strong and be there for them as they go through these changes. How selfish of me to get so wrapped up in my emotions!

I know if I can get through this, I will be stronger but I need to find a new source of strength to power through to the finish line. I am definitely letting my kids down as well as myself. But how do I not let the reality of the situation get the best of me? I can't let it, there really isn't any other choice.

He was with me!

Today was one of the first times since my dad died in July that I have truly believed and felt that he was there with me. I've been longing to have that special feeling that people often talk about. Knowing a loved one is there with them, beside them when the need support. And today I finally had that feeling.

I went to Kaplan college to look into their Ultrasound program. In looking at my future, it has become apparent that I need to get a career that will allow me to support myself and my kids if need be and give me something to believe in. A few friends are in the field of Ultrasound (Technologist - a Technician is someone who works on the Ultrasound machines) and highly recommended it as a great career choice. At the recommendation of one of these friends (thank you Lisa!) I made an appointment to speak with a representative at the college.

Today I met with her and she had me take the entrance exam to get into the college itself. I needed to get a 15 out of 50 to get into the MA program. The MA program is Medical Assisting program that takes 9 months to complete and is a pre-rec for the UL program. To be accepted into the UL program you need to score a 21 out of 50. This is a timed test, 12 minutes to complete as many as you can. You can skip around and answer the ones you think you know. Well, I scored a 28 out of 50. Yay!

Before I took the entrance exam the admission rep was pushing me toward taking the MA program before the UL program which is a 2 year program plus 6 months to a year of clinical work in the field to receive your license. To be accepted into the UL program you had to take a test and get 70% or higher or have a couple other prerequisites which I didn't meet. After seeing my entrance exam score, the rep Micah (who was great) said "why don't you try taking the Anatomy & Physics test to see how you do. You can take it four times so you have nothing to lose." So I did. I needed to get 70% to pass. The test wasn't timed and there were 50 questions.

As I sat in the library alone taking the test, I felt a feeling of calm come over me. I immediately knew some of the answers to the questions. Some just from what I've learned or just knowing some things but I found myself being able to answer some of the questions I wouldn't have know if it hadn't been for my dad's illness. I just knew he was helping me and that maybe his illness and death weren't for nothing after all. He was there with me guiding me and patting me on the back when I finished.

I didn't pass this time but only missed getting 70% by 4 questions! Only 4 questions without even studying or being prepared. I'm going to pass next time after using Lisa's text book to study and I'm gonna do it for my dad. To make him proud and reinforce that our tragic loss wasn't for nothing!

I love you Daddy! Miss you too! I'll need you again and again and again!

I believe . . .

I just wanted to document all the things I've been thinking about lately, which is a lot. When your life is changing, you really start thinking about things. Like what you want in life, what you need and what you believe in. These are some of the things I believe in.

I believe I was complete as a woman when my children were born.
I believe the love of a child is irreplaceable.
I believe in true love despite my current situation.
I believe all things happen for a reason.
I believe that there is good in EVERYONE.
I believe angels do exist and watch over us.
I believe people do change over time and not always for the better.
I believe there is a God.
I believe you are never too old to make a change in your life.
I believe in karma and sometimes payback can be a bitch (really hoping this one is true!)
I believe all things are possible.
I believe we can all learn from one another if we just open our hearts & minds and listen.
I believe a child's innocence is a precious thing.
I believe we are all stronger than we think.
I believe we can get through anything with the love and support of family & friends.
I believe everyone wants to be loved.
I believe the love of an animal is enough to melt your heart.
I believe we can overcome our fears if our minds are strong enough.
I believe you can have a soul mate who isn't your spouse/lover but your friend.
I believe I will continue to meet special people who will touch my life until I die.
I believe in Santa Claus!

What do you believe in?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S!

When God created life, he blessed us all with very special people - FRIENDS!

I've always been a social person. I need people in my life. My family is a core that will never be shattered but I have a small family that has gotten even smaller over the last year with my dad passing on and my sweet baby girl (dog that is) Jackie. Family are the people you know will always be with you even if only in your heart. But friends, well friends are the topping on the cake. The protective layer around the core. All the sayings are true; Friends are our chosen family. Some people come into our lives for a reason. Some come and go but the true ones stick.

I have been truly blessed with a large network of friends. Each and everyone I call my friend has probably helped me or touched me in the last year in some way. Some of my friends I've had for a very long time, since elementary school. Some have come into my life later after my kids were born. Others have been there all along but maybe were just "on a break" but have come through big time in my times of need (which have been often lately!) :)

I am constantly reminded of what it means to be a friend by my friends. Maybe a phone call or an invitation to lunch. Accepting me into their home in a moments notice to share dinner, great coffee and some fun & games when it's needed the most. A hug, a text, a supportive e-mail even after a day of selfishness on my part. All of my friends have shown me how strong they are in their own way. Some may be single moms making it on their own. Some, dedicated wives/husbands and mothers/fathers with their priorities in place. Working people making their lives better for themselves and their families. Friends that have come through heartache and illness. Everyone is an inspiration if you look for it.

I have some people in my life right now that have disappointed me as well. People I thought were my friends but haven't shown me the kindness I'd expect of them. I thought I was that kind of friend to them but maybe their definition of friend is different from mine. I will always love these people but can't waste my time and heart on wishing they'd be something they are not. Maybe they are just "on a break" right now and might come back to be that person I choose to have in my life. I hope I'll be able to forgive and forget and accept what they are willing to offer.

I hope you all are reading this and knowing I am talking about YOU!! There are too many to list but your names are imprinted on my heart and keep it warm and protected during the cold and hard times life throws at us. I hope I am the kind of friend you need in your life and can continue to grow and learn to be the best I can be for you and for myself too.

I thank you all for everything you have given to me throughout my life and into the years to come!

Much love & gratitude -
Robyn :)

Christmas Changes

It's hard to believe tonight is almost over thus ending another Christmas. I can't say that this year's was the best for me. I am sure it won't be the worst either but it was definitely different.

Our morning seemed lonely and sadder without the presence of our beloved family dog Jackie, absent for the first time since we've had Christmas in this house. Her death last month has left a hole in all our hearts. As I video taped the kids opening the presents and stockings from Santa, I couldn't help but remember Christmases past where Jackie would be sniffing around her own stocking waiting to see what goodies await her inside. There was no rush to vacuum the floor because her long black hair was littering the surface. Or a need to ask her politely to move out of the way so the kids could play with their new toys in our limited space of a living room. Oh how I long for those things again and hope someday in the future we'll be able to make new memories with another beloved pet. For now I will cherish the fond and comforting memories our Jackie girl gave us. I miss you girl and hope you are watching us in doggie heaven.

This year also marked the first without my dad being available to be with us. Although he wasn't with us the last couple of Christmases (unbeknownst to us because he was sick and didn't want to be around people), it was definitely a different feeling knowing he couldn't be with us versus didn't want to be. I knew he wasn't just sitting at home in his recliner watching TV. I knew I couldn't call him up and try to convince him to come cause we all wanted him here. I wish I'd tried harder to convince him when he was still with us. Samantha often mentions the times when Grandpa would come to Christmas and would read to her. Unfortunately I don't think there are enough of those irreplaceable memories with him for either myself or my children.

I wonder if things would have been different if he hadn't been sick for previous Christmases. Would he have come and spent more time with us? Especially on the holidays? Or were there just too many things that bothered him that would have kept him away? I'll never know so I choose to believe things would have been different. They would have been good and he would have been here with us spending time with his family, his grand kids. I felt a bit helpless knowing I didn't have a choice this year if my dad was here or not. He just wasn't and I missed him greatly as I do everyday knowing I can't just call him up or go see him.

As our family continues to change and get older, I have come to realize through the death of my dad and dog that we all won't be here forever. And as much as it might be frustrating or stressful to get us all together, it is important and vital. I don't ever want to miss out on being with the ones I love if I am able. Or if they are able. A time will come in the future when they won't be or they will have left us as well. It is essential to me to work diligently to keep our family together thought the holidays no matter how crazy, stressful or frustrating it may be.

It has to be for me. I hope it will be for my kids and their kids too. Love the ones you have with you now for someday they may not be.

Missing what is gone

Today would have been my dad's 70th birthday. A milestone for many but my dad wasn't lucky enough to see it, neither was I. When you think of your future, you usually imagine being with your parents as long as possible. Back when I was a kid, 70 was considered "old". But in today's world, a world of healthier living, staying fit, being active; we see our parents living well into their 80s and 90s. Unfortunately my dad didn't fit into those categories.

I miss him especially today when I would have celebrated his life with him and told him how much I loved him. How I thought he was the greatest daddy in the world. I still think those things but can't tell him now that he's gone. I am sad that I don't have him here to confide in. I have lost the best male relationship I've had in my life and probably will ever have. It just doesn't seem fair to have lost him.

People say you will think of him at the weirdest times. Today was one of those times when my neighbors were putting up their Christmas lights. I flashed back to my childhood when I'd watch my dad put up the Christmas lights with fascination. He'd line them up on the yard before he put them up on the house. At night I could see the colored lights outside my window twinkle and I remember feeling safe and warm. I felt that way because my dad put those lights up for our family, for me.

I hope my dad knows that I love him as much today as I did when he was alive. I hope he knows I am sorry for not making more of an effort to be in his life as I got older. I hope he knows that I am sorry he had to spend his last days in that rehab center instead of his home, in his own bed. I hope he knows I miss him every day and still need him as much as ever. I hope he's sitting in heaven petting Jackie and Cheyenne with a smile on his face.

Happy birthday Daddy! I love you forever and ever until I see you in Heaven.

Being Alone vs. Loneliness

How lucky am I? Two weeks ago I took off for the mountains. Just me and my bagful of goodies. Girly movies, a good (new) Nicholas Sparks book (The Lucky One which I managed to finish in 2 1/2 days), my new pink laptop and plenty of comfy clothes. I couldn't wait to get up to the cabin in Crestline (thanks to Tom and Diane for letting me use it) to have some alone, me time. I wanted to just veg out and not have to worry about anything or anyone except myself. Selfish? Probably yes but something I needed and wanted to do. Maybe I wanted to see how I'd do on my own. You know "me against the world". I had to rely on only myself to get in the cabin, go into the basement to turn on the water, water heater, etc. It was dark and I didn't like climbing into the dark room under the bedroom alone but I did it. "Hey I can do this." The first night was short since I arrived close to the seven o'clock hour. I got settled in, put in the first disc of Pride & Prejudice, the A&E version with Colin Firth (yum) and got comfortable on the couch. The cell phone reception at the cabin was patchy at best but I felt good and loved when I got a call from my family just as I had arrived and then an instant message making sure I had reception when I didn't answer the phone. I was happy to hear from them but hadn't quite had time to miss them, yet.



The next morning I awoke to the crisp mountain air. Immediately the need for coffee was a must. I made some breakfast and got right to the second disc of P&P. The afternoon lead to a nice walk around the surrounding streets. I found myself out on one of the more populated through streets. Granted it still wasn't that busy with traffic, with an occasional car passing me every couple minutes. I had to wonder though, "what if?" What if I fell and no one found me? What if a stranger stopped the car and grabbed me? Would anyone miss me? How long would it be before someone noticed I was gone? One of the down falls of going to the mountains alone I suppose.



Although I was enjoying my time alone, I found myself a little restless and filling the time with movies, sitting outside reading or playing games on my computer. Nothing too deep or thought provoking. I had wanted to write. Write some articles I had been meaning to start or get off paper and into the computer. Jot down some verses for greeting cards I wanted to submit this week but none of those things seemed it get done. I felt like inside I was babysitting myself. Like was doing everything I could to avoid what I intended to do while I was there, find myself. Think about what I really wanted for myself going forward. The only real thing I learned was that I don't like being alone. I don't like feeling lonely.



Now don't get me wrong, there is something wonderful about having time to yourself. Maybe a day off at the beach or a quiet afternoon at home with just the dog but being truly alone, isolated from friends and family for a period of time longer than 8 hours isn't something I enjoyed as much as I thought I would. I was lonely and I longed for my family, my routine. Eating alone was particularly hard for me. I was sad every time I got up to make myself a meal. Perhaps I was just feeling sorry for myself (I know, being alone in a mountain cabin is probably a dream come true for most of you!). I longed for the phone to ring and have it be my family saying they missed me. I guess I really longed to hear my husband missed me.

As I prepared to take a drive down to the Lake Gregory to walk around it and enjoying the scenery, I couldn't help but be excited to enjoy the rest of my time alone but also happy in the knowledge that I was going home that evening. When I arrived Sunday night it had been dark so I pulled up to the end of the driveway that stops right in front of the door. I was scared so I wanted to be close to the entrance of the cabin since it was so dark up there. Well, getting in was no problem but getting out was another story. As I started to back up and guide the Tahoe around the sharp right I had to make to get around the tree stump, I felt the tires slipping under me. The right side of the truck started to lean into the hill. Crap, I was stuck in a hole with no traction and the truck tilting heavily to the right side. The hill next to the driveway is somewhat steep and leads straight down to the road below. SHIT!!! I got out of the truck and proceeded to freak. I called Triple A (thank God for AAA). They would send a tow truck out to pull me out of the dirt. Great! No walk for me but at least I'd be able to go home that evening as planned.

After getting lost the tow truck finally arrived. After accessing the situation, the driver attempted to back the flatbed truck up the steep, dirt driveway. No go. Not gonna happen. He says they have to send back a classic tow truck that has 4 wheel drive. Unfortunately that truck is towing something to Apple Valley and won't be back till later but they can get it done today, even if it's dark. Guess what? He was wrong. As dusk approached I phoned AAA again and they informed me they couldn't come back out until morning. NO!! By this time I was so ready to go home to my family. As beautiful, peaceful and restful as it was, I had my mind set on going home. But I was stuck and better accept I was there for another night. I called my husband crying as I was worried about him going to work the next day, the kids, etc. He assured me they were fine. Glad they were. The night brought on new sounds and the wind (which caused a lot of the noises). I was restless all night for various reasons, one being I kept imagining the truck blowing over in the wind and crashing down the side of the hill right onto the street causing an accident!! It didn't happen and the tow truck finally came and got me out in less than 5 minutes.

It wasn't life threatening but it scared the shit out of me and showed me that I truly don't want to be alone in this world. I know being up at the cabin had a lot to do with it. When I am at home, in my own house with my friends and family only a phone call or walk outside my door away, being alone finds itself not as threatening. It is something I can live with and imagine I will have to at some point or another in my life. The marriage may not work, the kids will move out and start a life of their own. The dog dies. That leaves me alone with just my thoughts which lately all seem to be about how I don't want to be alone and lonely.

Pure Joy

This weekend I experienced two instances of pure, unabated joy. Both involved my husband and my children, on separate occasions. I felt the unshakable urge to get them down on paper (or cyberspace) as to try to capture these moments forever aside from in my mind. In addition, I wish there was a way to preserve the snapshots in my mind and have them transferred for you all to see. Maybe my words will give you a mental picture of your own to enjoy.

On Saturday, Jess played in his second to last regular season soccer game. Another bright and early occasion, the field was the perfect backdrop for the dramatic scene being played out. Slippery with dew and messy with mud, the boys played their hearts out. We were versing the #1 team in our bracket. They were undefeated coming into our game. When I arrived (late) it was already half time and I missed a first half consisting of the other team scoring making it a simple 0-1 game. Jess played defense with a new sense of confidence and power I hadn't seen in him at the start of the season. Quite a difference for Pops and MeMe to experience since their first game visitation.

As we entered the 4th quarter (period? I still haven't done the research on this) having tied the game at one goal each, coach Bob placed Jess in goal; a position he was yet to play in a regular game aside from practice. But I assumed that coach had seen a change in Jess as well and was placing him in this all important role because he had the faith in him any child needs to become a confident and stronger person. I was amazed as I watched my usually timid son on the soccer field come out to get the ball before the other team was able to attack it again. He made great stops, we scored another goal and were leading the game 2-1 now. We had a chance to win this game. Play continued and Jess made a move to stop the ball and accidentally stepped out of the box picking up the soccer ball instead of kicking it. A no no in soccer resulting in a penalty kick. As our team lined up in front of the goal, I held my breath. The kick was lobbed high and went over Jess' head to score the tying goal. The initial disappointment was felt but everyone moved on including coach as he yelled encouraging words to Jess and the rest of the team. Time wasn't on our side and the ref blew the final whistle indicating the end of the game. We tied the first place team handing them their first non-win of the season. No bad not bad at all. As I felt a sense of disappointment that they were able to score while Jess was in the goal, I observed the other parents on the sidelines. They along with coach Bob were cheering for the boys and thrilled with the outcome. As I approached Jess, Kevin was telling him how amazing he was and how proud he was of him. Jess was elated. His pride showed on his face and I had to stop to soak in the moment. I was ashamed of myself for being embarrassed my son let the tying goal in. I should be and am proud that my normally timid and passive soccer player had stepped up and found the confidence he needs to be a part of a team and feel good about his accomplishments. Jess' joy showed me you don't always have to win to get the prize.

On Saturday evening, funny enough the same day as the soccer experience, we all went out to dinner as a family to Don Cucos. We rarely get to go out as a family on the weekend as Kevin is usually working late and we normally eat separately. Several minutes after sitting at the table, I noticed Kevin looking over my shoulder with that twinkle in his eye he only gets when he is looking at children. Whether it be his or someone else's. This time it was a sweet little girl with big eyes sitting in her high chair. She was entranced and so was he. When I turned around to look at her she didn't even notice as she was too enraptured by Kevin waving to her and having a personal conversation just between themselves. Although seeing Kevin interact with children makes me smile, I also feel somewhat sad that I wasn't in a place in life to give him more children. A third or even a fourth child would have fulfilled him even more than his two do now. I am sorry that I wasn't mentally strong enough to take that next step. No what really brought me joy was watching Samantha watch her dad. She too was intrigued by the sweet little girl but it was her daddy that brought a huge, pure smile to her face. She sat with her back against the wall just taking in her dad flirt with this little girl. I didn't see jealousy or spite that he was giving his attention to the girl instead of her. I saw my daughter taking in the moment with love and a pure innocent joy I don't see every day. I hope to never forget that smile and look in her eyes.

Can you experience joy when you don't feel it yourself? Do you overlook what's right in front of you everyday because you aren't in touch with your own happiness? Being at peace with oneself may open the door to allowing the light from these types of moments to shine in on your heart and soul. Do we see these acts when we are down and just don't appreciate them as much? Are they not joyous enough to bring us out of our darkness? Maybe it's the slightest shifts in mind and spirit that allow this change to happen. The baby steps towards finding your inner self. Discovering you do have the strength to be strong when times are hard. The motivation to follow your dreams and just do it! Tonight I did it and submitted my first five verses for Valentine's Day greeting cards! I am thrilled that I finally accomplished something I've been dreaming of for a while and although I tell myself I am just happy I did it and don't care if they are accepted or not (I'd settle for just one of them!), I am kidding myself because it does matter to me. I really want them to be accepted. I need them to be accepted to help me continue to get stronger and believe in myself. And perhaps to help me remain at peace with myself enough to see the moments of joy that happen in my life everyday.

The "F" Word

No I am not talking about that "F" word, I'm referring to a more profound and impactful 'F" word , FEAR. A four letter word that seems to be creeping into my conscious thought quite frequently.



Do we all live our lives out of fear? Were we all born fearless and something came along, bit us in the butt and made us fearful? Are we born with certain fears inbreed in us like genetics? Do we all have the same underlying fears but handle them differently? I have to wonder. Does everyone have a fear of being unloved and unwanted? Some say even people who act like they don't care or need anyone actually do. They have just created this facade to protect themselves from getting hurt. But whose hurt more, the one who doesn't try or the one who puts their who heart and soul into not being hurt only to be scarred in the end?



I think my fears have been alive and well in me from a very early age. My fear of being unliked and later in life unloved. I never felt I wasn't loved by my family, never. Even when I was a TOTAL nightmare to them (and I do apologize for that Sissy, Mom) I never felt like I wasn't loved. I've always wanted people to like me. I think I acted like a jerk when I was little to avoid the rejection of other kids. Then I decided to be nice and hope everyone would like me. I still hope for that today although my years of life experience have taught me not everyone is going to like you no matter what you do or how you are. I try to just be me and hope for the best but deep down, I do want everyone to like me. :)



New fears pop up through out the process of living life. Fear of trying something new and failing (writing). The fear of doing something you know is right but is hard because it might make that person (or pet) not like/love you anymore. My beloved dog Jackie is getting old, bless her heart. I love her to death but she has now become almost completely blind, deaf when she is asleep and her back legs don't work quite as well as they used to. All these circumstances have lead to her having accidents on the carpet, repeatedly. I know the only solution is to lock her up in the kitchen at night (where there is carpet in the dining room for her to lie on, her water & food plus her doggie door to go outside) but this would prohibit her from coming into our room and sleeping on her bed next to ours. I did try to barricade her in, several times and every time she broke through so I caved in and let her have run of the house even though it inevitably leads to an accident, me cleaning it up and my husband getting more upset with me. I finally bought a gate wide enough to enclose the space between the living room and dining room. It's nice and was expensive. I've used it during the day when I know we are going to be gone for more than an hour or two and it's been fine. But I still can't bring myself to use it at night. Is that a fear that the dog will suddenly hate me and not let me pet her? That doesn't sound very realistic when you really think about it. Maybe it's not fear at all just selfishness on my part. I love her like a child and I selfishly want her with me and I want her unconditional love for as long as I can get it.



My fear of being unloved can be tracked back to my first boyfriend, Eddie. He was a nice guy, they always are. Never mean or abusive but Eddie definitely took advantage of my kindness. My open generosity to him based on his living situation, his family life, his past. My naivety on life and relationships. I let him take advantage of me out of fear of being unloved and unwanted. Of course eventually I woke up and got tired of it and saw what he really was and got over it real quick. Then it was the doctor. The doctor who I convinced myself was the one for me. I was going to be a doctor's wife if it killed me. He liked me but never loved me. I tired all I could to be the one for him but he wasn't looking for that one or I just wasn't it for him. When in reality he wasn't what I really wanted or needed in the one either but at the time I had convinced myself he was. Thank God he didn't do his residency at UCLA.



When "the one" does come along and you decide to marry, it isn't just about you anymore. It's about us. I honestly and truly believe that any relationship; friend, lover, parent can only be successful if their is compromise on both parties part. We all at one time or another have made compromises to make a relationship work. I am willing to compromise, especially in my marriage but what I find myself asking lately is; is compromising really just an excuse for settling? Have I allowed things that bother me in my marriage to just be a compromise all these years when really I was just settling for the way things were or are because I am fearful of being unloved or unwanted? Did I not stand up for things I wanted or believed in early on in the relationship because of those fears or were they things I could really compromise on to make things work? Did I allow these things or not do things because I knew/know they would make the other person happy? What if I did settle or compromise to make the other person happy and now they aren't? Where does that leave me?



I can not redo the past. I can not go back and change the things I've done or may not have done that I should have, no one can. So now I have to look to the present and the future. Next time I find myself compromising on something, I should stop and ask myself if this is really something I want to do or am I just doing it out of fear? Can we really succeed in life when we live in fear constantly. I think we can survive but that's not really living. I think I will always have the fear of being unliked, unloved and unwanted but I want my new fears to be my driving fears. The fear of the unknown, the fear of never trying, the fear of my children not being proud of their mom. The fear of not being the best I can be for me.

Inspiration

"Just Do It!"

I love this slogan! It pretty much says it all in three words. Lately I've found myself searching for inspiration, motivation and purpose. I am inspired by many things and in many different ways. Today I was blown away by a group of 8 & 9 year old boys running around a soccer field at 7:30 in the morning in 48 degree weather. When I arrived at half time, our team was down by 4. We were playing a good team with several star players. It was a bummer and my son Jess said to me (as he sat on my lap keeping me warm) "we lost but it's okay." I said the game isn't over yet. And it wasn't. The Sky Knights proceeded to score, goal after goal until they took the lead in the last quarter (or is it period in soccer?). As the minutes ticked away we anxiously awaited the ref's whistle indicating the end of the game and a tremendous victory for the boys. The feeling of exhilaration was pure and irreplaceable. The courage and tenacity those boys showed today was inspiring. Never give up no matter what the score or the circumstances. I wish I had that spirit alive in me today.

As I struggle to lose the 20 pounds I put back on after losing 22 over a year ago, I find I am missing the motivation I must need to "just do it." I did it once, why can't I do it again? I am exercising the same amount, if not more. So what's the problem? Why aren't the pounds flying off like they did the first time around? I know why, because I'm not sticking to the program. I am still eating whatever I want and losing any and all will power especially when I am feeling out of sorts which is quite often for me lately. I find I am an emotional wreak more often then not. When I'm sad, angry, tired, I tend to eat. If I am mad at my family, I think I am punishing them by not eating right. No, I just punishing myself. If my husband is not paying the attention to me I want or feel I deserve, I dive head first into self pity and eating rather than trying to work at making myself more attractive or healthy for both myself and him. My work out buddies try to motivate me by being there for me and providing the encouraging words I need to hear. But they can only take me so far on this journey. They can lead me to the top of the hill but I have to climb to the top on my own. I have to carry myself over that last obstacle in order to achieve my goal; all my goals not just with my weight loss.

How long have I wanted to be a writer now? Probably longer than I care to look back and remember. First it was writing fan fic for the General Hospital soap couple, Jason and Elizabeth. Then I wanted to write a romance novel. Oh no, I know, I can write greeting cards. Yeah I would be good at that. Now I want to write a book about my experience with my dad's illness and untimely death. All have lead to the same place - nowhere! I don't know what to write about. I don't know if I should write greeting cards for other companies or start my own business. Maybe no one will want to read what I have to write about. I'm no expert, how can I write a book about caring for a sick parent? These are the statements I have running around in my head, daily. I make a commitment to myself to start something, finally. Then I find myself making excuses or playing on Facebook instead of writing. Today my kids were outside playing most of the day. Kevin was at work, the dog was asleep at my feet. The perfect time to sit down and write something. My Facebook page sure looks good.

I need a swift kick in the ass is what I need. I need something stronger and more powerful than my mind to get my dreams in motion. I need my heart, my soul and my mind as one so I can "JUST DO IT!"

Feeling the affects

The death of a loved one certainly has various emotions, at least for me it has. I think up until my dad's service on August 23rd, I was just numb still and going through the motions of existing in my world again without my dad. It wasn't too hard to jump back into my daily routine of taking care of the kids, the house, etc. Before my dad got sick we didn't see each other often or even talk on the phone for that matter so it wasn't such a shock to my immediate daily life except I wasn't going to visit him anymore and I missed him. After the service, it was different. The morning of I found myself very emotional and able to cry easily. Before that I hadn't cried since the evening my dad passed away. The memorial was everything I could have wanted for my dad and more. It brought me great relief and closure, both of which I needed desperately. Seeing all those people there in one room to honor my dad and hear all the wonderful stories they shared, it really was an amazing experience that I will never forget.

In the days that followed (I almost wrote weeks because it has felt like weeks since the memorial) I found myself feeling many things. Sad, relieved, anxious, overwhelmed, lonely, disappointed, peaceful. At times these emotions would hit me within hours of each other. One minute I was feeling inspired and powerful. The next unmotivated and depressed. I felt like I was walking down a line but unable to walk straight, somewhere in between leaning too heavily to one side or the other.

I can now see how death can affect everyone in different ways. I can understand how a person can become depressed very easily. It is easy to get wrapped up in the emotions of losing someone you have loved your whole entire life. For thirty-eight years I have had love for my dad in my heart and although it is still there, it is a different kind of love now. A love of longing, wishing and thankfulness. I also found myself somewhat lost. For months I felt needed more than I ever have in my life. Yes, it was stressful and hard but it also gave me added purpose on a daily basis. Now that purpose is gone. I no longer am needed to go to doctors appointments or just come by to visit. To make sure the nurses are doing what they need to do so my dad is taken care of. I no longer need to be glued to the phone in case it rings with an emergency or just so my dad knew I was there if he needed me. This is also the selfish side of death. How my dad's death affects me directly not about how my dad lost his life too soon.

On the flip side and more positive, I can see and feel the benefits of taking a loved ones death and turning it into something positive. Using the experience to change the way you do things in life. Change your outlook and where you want to end up when it's your turn to move on. Before my dad's death I used to procrastinate horribly. When he got sick, I didn't have a choice. I had to call the doctors or nurses to get what my dad needed. I had to find out about additional health care options to help pay for my dad's health care. If I didn't do it, no one else would. I see this carrying over into my life today although it isn't always standing at the front of my mind. It sometimes gets lost in the back with the depression and lazy days. I want to continue this positive, life changing habit into my future. I don't want it to be something I got from my dad's death, I want it to be a part of me. I think on the days I can think ahead and focus on how good and blessed my life is, I obviously benefit much more. If I can get up in the morning and kiss my kids good morning without stressing about them getting to school on time, I am calmer and happier. If I can go out and exercise with my friends and benefit from their company, the feeling of my blood pumping through my body and being grateful to just be healthy and alive, that will show on my face. If I can utilize my time wisely instead of being scattered and unorganized, I can get more accomplished and feel proud of my accomplishments for the day. If I can come home and cook my family a good meal where we all benefit from it, that calms my mind and warms my heart that I took care of the ones I love with the best of my intentions.

It is going to take all the mental power I have to make the choice to live each day on the positive side. I know that sometimes I will cross the line and feel sad and helpless. I also know that is okay as long as it is sometimes and not all the time. I want to make the most out of life now and I am sad that it took my dad's death to make me realize this. But I can make a choice. I can control my life to the best of my ability and make it all I want it to be. If I can just hold my dad's love and the strength he showed during his battle close to my heart and turn that love into positive energy. I will get through, with time and effort. I choose to be strong today and every day after.

Be healthy and loved - -

Heaven Has A New Angel

Do you believe in angels?

I do and always have. I never thought twice that angels existed in Heaven. I couldn't imagine how God could handle everything He has to handle alone so I've always envisioned Him assigning angels to each and every one of us to help Him watch over us. I know I've always had angels watching over me. My first angel perhaps was my mom's mother Ruth whom I never met. She died before I was born. Or maybe my dad's father? Or maybe God assigns angels to us based on something else. No matter how we get our angels, my life has always felt blessed and that I've been watched over. I often pondered the saying "God doesn't give us anything we can't handle." I once told my cousin Karen that I must not be very strong because God hadn't given me anything hard to handle. My life has been good and fairly easy for me. Perhaps that is because I've had angels watching over me.

Now I know I have another angel up above that will watch over me more than any other. Although I feel my dad is still here with me, his love and spirit feels strong in my heart, I also know he is up there in Heaven looking out for me and my family. Sometimes it's the little things. One thing I have been feeling since my dad passed away is guilt when I am having a good time or having fun. I still feel like I shouldn't be enjoying myself and that I need to be visiting with him. Of course that isn't possible and I know that but I have to stop myself to remind myself of that. Just Friday we were going to Hurricane Harbor with my best friend Krysti and her kids. We had made the plans a while ago and were really looking forward to it. We bought our tickets online to eliminate standing in line and they were $5 cheaper too! Cool. We drove in one car to save on parking. Krysti drove down and got us in an aisle where most of the spots we already taken. We drove and we going to have to backtrack to the area that cars were coming into when we saw an open spot close to the aisle where we had to walk to the park entrance. My dad was looking out for us. My mom insists she has a parking angel. She probably does. Once we got to the park entrance there was a line to go through security. The line that was open was for no backpacks, purses, etc. which of course we had so we got into one of the other longer lines. The no bag line cleared out and the attendant motioned us forward even though we had bags. Daddy strikes again. Finally, and this one is big. We walked up to the turnstiles and I handed the attendant our tickets that we had printed at home. I said there was six of us and as she counted the papers, it became clear that we only had five tickets. She counted again and there were only five tickets. Krysti was distraught thinking she forgot to print or bring one of the tickets. But instead of the attendant sending us back to the ticket booth to buy another ticket, she let us in. She said it was okay and let us go anyway. That was both my dad looking out for us and that woman being an angel herself. I picture my dad whispering in her ear "it's okay, let them pass." I also know it was my dad telling me to have a good time. To enjoy my life with my kids and my wonderful friends. I hope he went on the rides with us too because we had so much fun!

I also know there are angels here on Earth. Angels among us because they surround me every day in the form of my friends. Maybe we are angels in training while we are here on Earth and earning our wings for when we reach Heaven. It doesn't really matter to me. I am just thankful for them all. All the ones sent to watch over me and my family and I hope I can be one to others on this Earth and in Heaven someday.

Be happy and loved.