Clean

This week's theme for me seems to be clean.

It started Sunday with carpet cleaning. I needed to clean the carpets desperately. Being cheap, I wanted to borrow some one's machine versus renting one myself or having a professional service come in. Ironically, my neighbors had the same idea except they aren't as cheap as me so they rented one from the grocery store. They were very kind and generous and let me borrow the machine before it had to be returned the next day. Thanks Dana and Ed!

Having clean carpet which made the house look A LOT better, I started the house cleaning. This carried over into Monday when I finally finished. I love when the house is clean and I have the feeling of accomplishment by cleaning it myself (versus having my cleaning lady, Marta come in which I absolutely love doing but can't afford).

Today I had a dentist appointment to have my teeth cleaned. Again, I can't really afford it right now but I know how important my health is so I went anyway. I got a good report and came out with clean teeth; another good feeling. Then it was onto Jiffy Lube to get the car's oil changed and ending with a much needed car wash. Boy was it needed, she was caked on with dirt and grim that had been there for a least two months! Looking at my car after it came out of the wash, I realized how nice and new it looked. A good cleaning can really give you a refreshed outlook on things, whether it be the car, the dog or a hot shower after a full day of activity.

I've decided I am going to continue this clean theme. I'm going to clean out the office so we can walk in there again. I am going to clean out the house by donating items and having a very large garage sale. I am cleaning out my mind and soul each day to make room for the good stuff. The refreshed ideas and ways. I going to work on cleaning up some of my down falls: procrastination, over emotional, over analyzing, taking things too personal among many others.

The more I think about it, clean is all around us. Making a clean break from a bad relationship or situation. An addict becoming clean from the addiction. A person cleaning up their act to make good on their best qualities in life. Cleaning up the clutter; physical and mental.

I'm coming clean with you and admitting I've missed writing, a lot and hope I can continue this cleanliness in my life.

Change

It's amazing how quickly a change can come on and how that change can totally effect you. Maybe it's the changing of the weather. From uncomfortably hot to cool and crisp. A feeling comes upon you that brings an inner peace and warmth. Snuggling on the couch with a warm blanket and a loved one by your side (a puppy in my case). It can all happen with a shift in the wind.

One day you may be feeling high and empowered and then something or someone brings that feeling down. It's a shame that this happens but I know I am still not strong enough to fight it off. Most time it takes over before you even know the change is happening. I hope for more change in the future where other people's actions won't influence my mood so much. I long for a time when things will roll off my back and not effect me so much especially when it's not about me directly (when dealing with children though, I don't know if I'll ever be able to let it go as much as I should).

Sometimes when you see an opportunity for a postitive change and it isn't taken, it can be heartbreaking. The effects of that missed chance can effect many people but once the chance for that change has passed, there isn't much you can do about it, especially when it's not in your control. In times as these, we can only hope and pray for another chance for a positive change to come along and it not be missed again.

Overwhelmed is a good thing sometimes . . .

I'm dead tired. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. My TV is broken and I don't know how it's gonna get fixed or replaced on my minuscule budget but I am thankful for these feelings because it means I am alive and living my life each and every day to the best of my ability!

I went to bed late last night because I was working on a writing job that was due yesterday. I thank God for that opportunity to work. I just hope it's good enough to get another one! Having the confidence to succeed at what I am doing is my number one hurdle. I have to remind myself each and every day that I am strong enough to do anything I set my mind to. I may not be able to please everyone all the time but there are people out there that will benefit from what I have to offer. Whether that be professional or personal. I can make this business work and I will. I really don't have any choice.

So many times we wish for things and then when they happen, we don't know what to do with them or how to handle the changes. I really want this new Virtual Assistant/Freelance Writer business to work and be successful. Now I find myself struggling to make the balance of work and home life, well work! I have deadlines to meet and new business to generate yet my house is a mess and I want to spend time with my kids. I am so lucky to have my kids this week. I treasure very moment with them and get frustrated when I don't have 100% of my attention on them. Then I remind myself how blessed I am to be working from home, even if it's one or two jobs here and there. I could be away from home,unable to have my kids with me and still working to earn that oh so valuable dollar. I wouldn't be able to still drive Samantha to dance or go watch Jess' basketball game like I did tonight. The pure joy it gives me to see my son playing his heart out on that court and really enjoying himself. He lights up and pumps his fists when he scores a basket or someone else scores off his pass. No better feeling in the world to me. Or when I see Samantha dancing her very best in class. She puts her heart and soul into her dancing and I admire her passion for it. I want to have a passion like that and I will again someday. And my kids will be proud of me like I am of them.

If the TV can't be fixed, I'll get another one. Maybe it won't be as big or technical but I will provide one for my family. It is nice not having it work. Maybe we will be reminded of what it means to spend time together as a family again. Just talking about our day, playing games, reading or listening to music. Maybe or the kids will just go out and play with their friends and be happier than they would be in front of the TV anyway.

Independence Day!!

The 4th of July, what an important day in the history of America. The day the Declaration of Independence was signed. I'm not much of a history buff so I'll spare the history recap for another post.

On this Independence day, I am declaring it my Independence day!! This is my time to truly find myself and be the person, the woman I've always wanted to be. As I step further and further away from a marriage that wasn't what I thought it was, I see that I am actually capable of becoming whomever I want to be, on my own. I don't need a man, as a husband or a boyfriend to complete me and make me feel whole. I know I want someone in my life again that will help me live through this life as a companion but I don't have to have one to survive.

As I am forced to deal with situations I wouldn't want to see myself in; like not being with my kids on our first 4th of July since the split, I also find that I can deal with it. I was sad to not have my kids by my side today as we swam and enjoyed good company and food at my best friend Krysti's house. I was sad that I couldn't experience the fireworks with them and see their faces light up with fascination. But there will be more fireworks and more years to enjoy them and I know I'll cherish those times together even more now that I know what it feels like to be without them.

Here's to freedom!!

Mother's Day Emotions

It seems I like to write about my feelings on Sundays. This is the day, evening I have to say goodbye to my kids until Wednesday afternoon when I see them again after school. I haven't quite been able to get past this hurdle yet and today wasn't any better. Today is Mother's Day.

As I went into today knowing it was my first Mother's Day without "a partner", I didn't have any expectations. My Mother's Days in the past weren't anything special. My soon to be ex-husband never found it necessary to teach the children what it means to treat someone you love special; if even for one day. I guess that's because I was never viewed as special to him. Regardless of this, I didn't want to get myself too worked up about today. I was treating it like any other Sunday.

My kids allowed me to sleep in which in itself is a gift! The puppy was all too happy to be still in bed past 9:30am as she had a play date the night before at my best friend house (not so much fun for my BF I might add). My daughter made my coffee and I got cereal with bananas - yum. My son wanted to go to the movies together, that was his gift to me and I received it with open arms. Time with my kids has come to mean more to me than ever before.

In the past, Mother's Day was more about getting a break from being Mom for one day. But this year, it was more about spending quality time with my kids and being so thankful for the time we have together. Now that they are gone half the time, I am learning to appreciate our togetherness and not want to just get away from them. I am sorry it took a divorce to make me realize this.

The kitchen is a mess. There are "things" spread all over the house but I didn't care. A day at the movies was all I could think about. Before, I wouldn't have gone knowing those things sat undone, waiting for me to make the house look perfect. Now, it can wait and no one will die because of it. Hannah Montana was on the schedule. I had been wanting to go see this movie with my kids and from my reaction to it, you'd swear it was an academy award winner! I was crying like a baby during several scenes. I really lost it when she was singing the song she wrote for her dad. Although I wasn't thinking of my daughter and her relationship with her father, I was instead listening to the words and connecting with them. Her words about tucking her in a night, driving everywhere and anywhere, making a living while making a home at the same time; they all hit me right in my heart. Although her dad does those things for her because her mother died, I felt that way too. I am a single parent now and I want to be the best mother I can be my kids. Her struggle with being who she really is and who she wants to be also got to me. She didn't want to continue to see her family and herself have to sacrifice things in life for her career. Her father didn't want to accept things in his life that may make him happy because of how it might affect his daughter's life as Hannah Montana. Although I don't have a pop star as a a daughter, I related to the role of the parent wanting to do anything for their child even sacrifice their own happiness. I know that is what I want for my kids.

As the movie came to an end and I knew my time with my kids would be ending soon as well, I tried to just treasure the moment. I was so happy to feel appreciative of our time together versus wanting a break. I also wanted to be stronger. I should have told their dad I was keeping them longer tonight because it is Mother's Day and I deserve to me with my kids. I should have said they should have time with their mom and not be taken somewhere they don't want to go and be with a woman that isn't their mother but I didn't. I was weak and gave into the tears before they even left the driveway.

This process is just that, a process and one that I am going through slowly. I have to learn how to stand up for myself and not be afraid of him. He can't hurt me anymore than he already has. I am strong and I can overcome the sorrows that come along with this new life. I want to make my kids and myself proud as I stand with my head high and show there is more to life than being someones second choice. I don't need anyone to take care of me but I'd like someone to. But for now, that someone is going to be me.

Thank you kids for making this one of the best Mother's Days I've ever had! I love you both very much!

Tonight, as the sadness is taking over my emotions I wanted to write down my feelings and when I came here to write them down, I realized I already had in my last post. I'm tired of feeling this way and I want to heal, get over it and move on. When I see my children being taken in a direction I don't like or want, I feel helpless and angry. But when I talk to them later and realize they are fine and not sad, hurt or upset why can't I be happy for them. I want my children to be happy; their happiness is my main concern. So what if I don't like who they are with when they are not with me. If they have a good time and aren't upset what should it truly matter what I think or want? In the grand scheme of things, in the long run these moments of worry, concern and anger will not matter as long as my kids are happy and healthy.

I want to be happy too so I can show them that life is hard but you can rise above loss, heartache, pain, betrayal and adversity to live your best and be joyous in the lives we create for ourselves. I know I will be some day but at times the bad feelings seem like they are the only ones surviving.

Now is one of those times.

How Old Am I?

Sometimes I truly wonder how old I am, or how old I am in my mind. The reality of being an adult is ever present, especially being a mother but there are times, and it seems recently a lot of the time, that I don't act my age. My feelings are those of a child, a very young child. I am often jealous and bitter. Inside my head I hear the voice of my inner child whining "Why me?". The adult that faces the real world daily wants to slap her and tell her to get over it but the feelings continue to make their way into my consciousness.

I can't help but feel petty and immature based on these feelings of jealousy, rejection, self-pity, anger, weakness, low self-esteem but then I think "how can I not feel these things with everything I am going through." I know it is probably okay to feel these things but the key is to not let them affect me or my attitude and I think that is what really bothers me. I seem to step outside myself and watch as I react to these feelings and honestly, I'm appalled. When I see myself acting worse than my 8-year old son, how can I not be? I'm the adult in this family; the only one in this house and I need to act that way. What kind of example am I setting for my children by acting this way? An immature, spoiled child who doesn't get their way.

I want to be strong. I want to be able to have the feelings and dismiss them as easily as I let them creep into my mind. I don't want to be run by these damaging, weak thoughts and feelings. Can't I just let it roll off my back like other people seem to be able to? Yes, life isn't fair, get over it already! Things don't always go your way and that is a lesson I learned long ago but I think it's been over the last 18 months that I've truly felt the sting of that saying.

I have to focus on what makes me happy and secure in who I am. I am not perfect by ANY means but I think I live my life with the best of intentions. I don't deliberately try to hurt people, especially the ones I love but I know that sometimes this is unavoidable especially when I am wrapped up in my own emotions. I want to be a grown up to be able to control the weak feelings and save the childish times for having fun and living life to the fullest!